VSAA

Doing a residency at Vancouver School of Arts and Academics is quite a unique experience. It makes me wonder where I would have been if there had been an option like that for me when going to school. Generally speaking I did ok in school, better in high school than in middle school as far as grades, but I really had few classes that moved me. I loved my Spanish teacher in middle school, Senor de los Rios. Thank goodness he sparked my interest in the language early, cause if I had suffered through my boring high school spanish teachers at that age I would have never continued or stuck with it. My science teacher Mr. Tanaka knew his field and blushed during sex ed. which I found really entertaining, but he did make us dissect owl pellets and bugs, which I didn't appreciate.

As far as requirements in high school I only liked my Algebra teacher as a freshman, Mr. Bell, and my sophomore English teacher, Ms. Righetti- who was really supportive but was only at our school for one year. Above all these I loved my art electives: drama, improv, visual arts, video/radio production. Let's just say, even though I didn't always make it to school for my morning classes (for very important health reasons according to the notes I turned in but in actuality because my neighbor and I had a videogame/coffee habit that was strongest during 0-3rd periods) I looked forward to my electives. These days kids going to school have even more limited access to the arts, which frustrates me!

But what if I had been at an art school for those seven years? What difference that could have made. I think what I notice most when I am at VSAA is that everyone's eccentricities become more the norm. At my high school, as alternative styled artists, people didn't know what to do with us, and we didn't really care all that much what they thought anyway. But it is the principle of being seen as "outsider" for being other than the jock etc. it was the usual emphasis on sports folks and popularity based on class and clothing. Of course those kids were mostly personality-less drones who were all about conformity, brand names and pretending that whatever they were doing was exciting. (I went to their parties on occasion, and let's just say I almost always left early- YAWN!)

I am not trying to say that a school being an arts school means that it is utopia, I just really dig the energy of the youth and the vibe of a student body that seems much more comfortable with being unique. I could also be biased since they seem to really appreciate me, and I like that! They can smell my inner rebel, they get my quirky sense of humor, I think it helps me to be more aspects of myself more comfortably- even though the 6th-8th graders clearly weren't into my Rakim hip-hop listening exercise. But that is ok...

They think outside the box- I get that. They want to do things differently- I dig that. I give them writing prompts and they take it places that are really remarkable- I love that. Hopefully I can serve as a model that weird artist types can make a place for themselves in the world beyond high-school, cause I think I am doing pretty well with all my pursuits and I wouldn't choose to be anything other than a weird artist type. I think it suits me well.

Confession

Well confession may not exactly be the perfect word- there is no crime to claim responsibility for, this will not move into Usher song lyrics asking forgiveness, and I am not reaching for a rosary to do prescribed refrains of "Hail Mary" to atone.

So maybe I should call this a "moment of honesty".
Or perhaps a "revealing of that which is not public information."

It is just after 2 in the afternoon and I am still in bed. In fact I think I would stay here all day until it was officially time to legitimately be here if I could, except I will have to go downstairs to use the restroom and grab something to snack on- however, after that brief intermission, I intend to come right back here. I don't want to get up, I don't want to go into that vast day, I don't want to be social, I don't want to do any work, I don't want to... well basically I just don't want to do much of anything, other than lie in my bed. And to be really honest, I don't exactly know why, ..
but I have some possible theories:

Theory One
It’s the holiday season:
I like seeing friends and family and I definitely like eating, but seriously all of our holidays are problematic commercial consumer fests. 1. Jesus wasn’t even born in December, 2. let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that, even if the pilgrims actually had a civil meal with the indigenous folks of this nation, that a dinner makes up for hundreds of years of devastation and theft 3. If it is supposed to be about celebrating life and being together and being giving, why does everyone have their hand out looking for a gift? Kids all over aren’t asking their grown-ups if they can go help at a soup kitchen or about what they should get Aunt so and so. They are adding more and more items on their own overly long, “I want” lists. BAH HUMBUG!

Also the holidays for me are a reminder that my mother is no longer with me, so now comes the 1st Thanksgiving without her, then the first birthday she didn’t make it to, then the 1st Christmas, then the first New Year and then the one year anniversary of her passing. So, sorry if I don’t feel like caroling and consumer-izing and making batches of cookies.

Theory Two
I went to bed last night watching Michael Moore’s documentary on health care, “Sicko”. Sure there were flaws and clear biases, I expect this from Moore so that isn’t the issue for me. The movie served as a reminder to my lack of health insurance (I am supposed to be getting benefits, but it seems like the start date just keeps getting pushed back; November 1 oh wait, December 1, oh actually that might be January 1. Meanwhile my kids and I are on our like 5th year without a healthcare plan other than me constantly reminding them to “BE CAREFUL!” You see I make just too much to get state healthcare, which is now pretty much go wait in line at the clinic anyway. But too little to avoid being broke.)

Needless to say, I went to bed thinking on yet another reason why the US isn’t all apple pie goodness. Other places have universal health care and paid holidays for all workers and even unlimited sick days! They even live longer there, go figure! Someone may read this and question my “patriotism” or other such foolishness. Let’s see: genocide, theft, slavery, torture, injustice, segregation, election hi-jacking, worldwide and domestic terrorist acts, wealthy minority elites running everything, capital over lives, crappy wages, debt.... etc... etc... Yeh, I’d say that the United States has been a mess since inception, so clearly a lack of universal health care is really no surprise. I probably would “go back to where I came from”, if I knew where that was. They probably have better health care there anyway and affordable higher education, so I wouldn’t be straddled in student loan debt right now or moaning about how I have to wait til January to go see a doctor!

Theory 3
It’s winter. Cold weather sucks and technically it isn’t really even winter yet, it is still fall which means we haven’t even started the season to be able to say it is even close to being over.

Theory 4
While there are several things that I need to be doing, the deadlines are off in the distance so I have plenty of time to procrastinate, so I will.

Theory 5
There really isn’t a lot to do in this town anyway, especially if it isn’t work that I have to do, why go outside?

Theory 6
This connects to many of the above, basically I am to some degree regularly depressed. I am not self-medicating nor do I have coverage to get someone to prescribe medicine for me. And sheesh, who isn’t depressed! I mean didn’t you read my previous theories?! That stuff isn’t all rainbows and fluffy bunnies. But it’s not like I am gonna wallow around in my own self pity as if I am the only one who visits the land of “Not Overjoyed”. Who am I to complain in the first place, when I have food in my fridge and my basic bills are paid, and my kids are healthy and doing well in school, and I have work, and I have friends and family who love me. (even though I don’t really hang out with most of them or call cause my Ascendant in Cancer insists on being non-social, while my Aries sun sign side longs to be the center of everyone’s attention and looks around wondering why no one calls.) I realize things could be a lot worse, so is my temperamental-ness even justifiable?
Suck it up self and move on!

Theory 7
I bought a new bed. It is comfortable. I have lots of pillows. I can sit here with my laptop typing to miscellaneous readers about how I don’t want to get out of bed without even getting out of my bed. Hello! Doesn’t take rocket science to figure that one out. In fact, even though I don’t have a television up here, I can always go online and watch a bunch of shows, again, on my laptop. And since I can hear the rain smacking upside my window, why bother getting out of bed?!

Curled up with my laptop under a big pile of blankets,
Your friend who probably won’t write or call or run into since I am not getting out of bed, so Naaah!

Family and Holidays

This year wasn't so bad actually.
I have to be honest and admit that some years I have avoided the family on the holidays. My mom's side of the family can be pretty intense, especially in numbers. People who know me, realize that I am pretty talkative, and when i want I can be the center of attention fairly comfortably. However, since I am on stage for most of my work I also can comfortably step back from the light to let others shine. Clearly many of my family members don't have that outlet, so gatherings tend to be these talk fests where folks are constantly talking over each other rather than engaging in "conversation", which should equal talking balanced with listening- go figure! So it is hard to get a word in edge-wise, or to get into deeper levels of discussion. I love my family, but I realize after spending several hours with them that I am drained. Mainly because for me having conversations with depth is energizing and filling and fueling. Staying on that more superficial level keeps the atmosphere more peaceful or causes less conflict potentially, but wears me out.

Most of us only see each other a couple times a year, so that isn't a lot of time to really strengthen relationships and I realize that I don't know a lot about most of my family. Yeh, I know if they are in school, how many kids they have, some of the incidents they got in trouble for as kids... but as far as ambitions, fears, goals... not so much. The highlights for me were the moments when we got personal, deep and out of the "happy". My cousin addressing her addiction history, my other cousin taking a moment at grace to remember my mother, my uncle talking about how it was to go hunting on his 60th birthday- not that I am into hunting, but the fact he made 60 is huge, no men on that side have lived that long there is a history of heart issues and our gatherings are predominately female because of it. These blips were where I really felt touched and close to the people I share blood with, but they were just that, blips- so much more energy went to trying to get the USC game to come in on the radio or other such lighter topics. I guess I am weird that way. I like to get serious, I am not afraid of that place where we reach beyond the surface into the meat and the bone.

So I am of course glad to see everyone, I love them cause sharing DNA connects us in a way that makes us return to each other as a large group a couple of times a year and build this thing called family. We maybe didn't choose each other, but we are consistently attached for eternity. That is powerful, the we love each other whether or not we have to always like each other. I made a point to attend this year since we lost my mom, this is our first family holiday gathering without her. (Granted, since she was in a nursing home and physically limited, she couldn't come to the dinners at grandma's but we would all drive out to see her after and bring her a plate of food and hang out.) I miss her of course, and I can't help but think of her. She has returned to me in my dreams recently too, which has been very powerful and positive for me, perhaps I will blog about that more specifically later.

Sunday I will spend the day at my house having a gathering with my father's side of the family. It will be a completely different dynamic. Bi-racialness also contributes to pretty different family personalities and environments. It also means that outside of my mother's funeral, the two sides exist pretty separately.

Peacemakers Conference

Peacemaker Conference
I was invited to give a workshop and performance for a conference that took place last week at the convention center. The focus was on middle schoolers and high schoolers and strategies for conflict resolution. I believe about 500 students were in attendance, along with grown up chaperones- mostly teachers from the many schools represented.

The workshop that I did brought me a lot of inner joy, I hope the students liked it too. A big part of it was discussing issues that were important to us as a catalyst to prompt our writing. So we generated this list of issues that included: war, drugs, violence, safety, environmental issues, homelessness, education funding cuts, government, and so on. Then they each chose one topic to write on freely and of course I had people share what they wrote or at least let us know which topic they picked. What made it so joyous for me was that I got to be really political with youth and they clearly appreciated it. As they brought topics up I addressed them even if only briefly, and as they raised questions such as "why exactly are we at war?" I answered honestly, money interests, oil, the profit motives of destroying in order to "rebuild" which is so basic to the nature of capitalism. When a couple of young people expressed their concerns about the legitimacy of homeless people's requests for money and wondered why they didn't just get jobs and try, I didn't get harsh with them but I broke down the realities of the working poor, rising housing prices and non-livable wages as well as the true waste of resources called corporate welfare.

Then of course I performed for all the conference attendees as the closure. Some of the students there were from a school I just did a residency at a couple of weeks ago and I saw several familiar faces. When I left the building I felt pretty on top of the world actually. Some people have opposite reactions to performing and being immersed in a crowd of people, especially teens. For me it is the ultimate adrenaline rush, inspiration and natural high. I felt so energized! Then, as the extra icing on the cake, a couple of young ladies came up to me while I was waiting on my bus and personally thanked me. What meant the most was that they were thanking me for being honest and real and talking about the things that don't necessarily get addressed in their schools and environments. As I told the adults at the conference, it is important that we remember that young people are not just thinking about material things and shallow pursuits- they are grappling with heavy duty issues and we need to support them, cause their ability to be more open-minded than previous generations is what will help to change the world in which we live.

I hate being sick!

I had to do a presentation to a class today about all the joy and intrigue of spoken word poetry. It was short, but I mostly talked and only did like one poem, and my voice was all faded and diminishing and I could hear myself and I was getting on my own nerves! I have a performance and workshop on thursday for a conference too and I hope that it is better by then! It is tough when your voice is your money maker, cause colds happen but classes still need to get taught, workshops still need to get facilitated, poems need to be performed, etc...

All weekend I only ate soup, yesterday too. Today was the first day that I ate a real meal. It wasn't until dinner and I still didn't eat the amount I would normally eat. I haven't even been hungry! UGH! At least I can kind of smell now and breath out of my nose, but that might change once I lie down and try to sleep, which I guess I should do soon, since sick people need their rest, and I do have to work tomorrow, and well every day until Sunday.

Some poeple have only one job, I don't know if I envy them tho. Granted I have to do several jobs while I am trying to get better, but it could be worse, at least I can look forward to variety! And mostly it is a few hours here, then a few hours there. I think that I would be really ill if I had to stay in one place 8-9 hours a day, 5 days a week. Plus, the added perk is that some of my work I can do while in my jammies, under my blankets sipping soup and drinking tea. Of course that isn't the work I have to do this week... but everything can't always be roses and fluffy bunnies.

Me and My Kitty

OK- I have never really been into cats. At least not to the point where I ever wanted one of my own. Sure pay small amounts of attention to other folks cats, cause they seem to love me and wanna be all up in my lap, as if they know I am not interested and therefore want to convert me or something. Not that I have some vendetta against the cute and furry, and hey there are times and places where purring is definitely a good thing. But I grew up with dogs, big dogs- German Shephards mainly, and a Doberman when I was in junior high. Granted i did try to convince my mom she wanted a cat in teh house when I was in high school and a friend’s cat had kittens, but even though I brought it home- mom said “no way, bring it back”. I was old enough to not cry or get all sentimental- my friend rainbow ended up keeping it and another kitten and they grew to be so well fed and round that they didn’t bother with any fast movement other thanthe brisk walk to the cat food bowl.

But poor little Sebastian managed to get stuck under our house the other night, and proceeded to squawk all night. We let him be, thinking his feral mom would return to claim him after hearing his pathetic cries, but she was nowhere to be found. So we managed to pull him out of the vent and made him a little kitty home out of a box. Honestly, I didn’t want to like him. All whiny, pathetic and kitten like- oozing cuteness as if that would be enough! After all I swore off cleaning after other’s poo for life after 5 years of changing diapers, and was adamant about not ever having a pet. Sheesh two teen-agers is quite enough thank you very much!

Then came needy little Sebastian with his little medley of “mew”s. He hadn’t eaten in at least 24 hours, had been kicked to the curb by his parents, and was so little and well, cute.
How could I resist? I tried, believe me. Equally fussy and needy as a baby, he whined constantly and really didn’t know how to eat yet. My partner is allergic to cats too on top of everything else, and seeing as how the kitty will only create bills, whereas my partner pays bills- it doesn’t even seem like a viable option to keep the kitten at all.

We took it with us to a pet store to get a litter box and formula, since it still needs to be taken care of until we figure out what to do with it. I thought, hey Walidah and the kids can deal with it, I’ve got other stuff to do. Plus it picked Halloween to join our household, the kids had party plans, Walidah and I had a reading- it wasn’t looking good for our furry friend at all. But I caved in, brought Sebastian with us to the reading and ended up holding it the entire time, which made for an interesting performance for sure.

We managed to get him to eat, but I continued to believe that the cat was temporary. Although I did out a blanket in the dryer for him so he could be cozy in his box, I wanted to make him comfortable, after all he has abandonment issues and as someone who works with youth regularly I know the importance of love and comforting in the early years. I am not cold-hearted, I just don’t want any more work.

Then, this morning he was the mewwing noise permeating the household requiring attention. I had workshops to go to, children to inspire, but first i had to warm up a kitty bottle of formula. Did I mention how much kitty formula stinks? Well it does, a lot. But little Sebastian is getting the hang of a bottle. I also think he is starting to get that we are going to take care of him, so he is calming down. He even played with me this morning biting and licking me- and purring with content after being fed and held. Then I put him back in his box and after a short span of mewing he actually quieted and went back to sleep. I wanted to avoid any kind of attachment. Wanted to deny responsibility for his well being. But once I post a picture, you will know exactly why I crumbled. I never thought I would be a cat person. I mean sure, I get them since we have a lot in common. We want our way, want attention when we want it and then would rather not have anything to do with folks, are all about “me, myself and I” and basically not about everybody else unless it meets our ends or needs, want to be loved and cuddled on our own terms but don’t feel the need to give that back... I get cats, but usually at a distance.

I have to admit in my writing workshops, all my examples involved kittens. I am even now, as I write, thinking “how is Sebastian doing?” He’s all soft and fuzzy, with that cute little kitten face. He is adorable and he likes us. I am thinking that if we have to pass him along to someone else, I want it to be a neighbor, or someone we know so I can still hang out with him. Wow- I never thought I’d fall for a kitten. I am so not gullible or easily swayed by that kind of thing- but see, Sebastian is different- so don’t go thinking that I got all soft or something. I am just making an exception that further proves the general rule... yeh... that’s it.