You Get What You Pay For -OR- Free is Free for a Reason -OR- What The ?!

I like to eat.
I like free things.
I like looking on craig’s list for crap that I don’t need.
(I know I am not alone in these interests!)
But, I DO NOT get this ad I found on-line, even with my aforementioned background!!!
And if I do not get this, who would?!

Fortunately for you dear reader, I also like blogging for the mass(es) of reader(s), out there in the ethernet, or perhaps just in my head. So, I am going to share something soooo strange, it required documenting. I did not make this up! Actual street names have been removed to protect the innocent.

CRAIGSLIST AD #516253051 for Free Baked Beans-n-Beef

“There is a new, unopened quart size container of baked beans with beef in sauce sitting on the curb on SE -- st Ave (left side if traveling south), between SE --- and SE --- streets, 1 1/2 blocks south of SE ---. Brand new, from the Walmart deli, still fresh for eating and was refrigerated until I put it out there just now. It's cold enough outside that it won't go bad fast so come by and grab it and get your lunch on.

Please take it if you are hungry and need it but don't tamper with it otherwise and don't bother the neighbors or leave it in the street, bike lane, or on the sidewalk.

Happy eating!! :-D”

Is it me? Or is that the most ridiculous thing!
Could you read that and maintain a straight face?
Really?!
Come on!

Oh let me tell you! I have got questions!

1. Who randomly places a jar of beans and beef on the street for someone else’s future consumption, and THEN advertises it on-line no less!

2. Who stops by to pick up that sundry little item and proceeds to eat it?

3. Is the typical internet browser/shopper the target market for free food left on the curb?

4. What can be expected of such neglected, outcast food products- left to be refrigerated by the elements until some individual longing for double proteins prances along fetching his come-uppance, tooting the glory of free legumes the following morning?

5. Must we, parents and youth workers, add this to the list of things we warn kids about? “Little Johnny... don’t talk to strangers, don’t drink and drive, don’t do that with your face or it will get stuck like that, don’t forget to clean behind your ears, and don’t go looking for free food on the street after reading an ad posted on-line.”

6. Did the previous beans and beef owner also leave a spoon?

7. Lastly, would YOU wanna “get your lunch on” like this?

On that note, I say good night- to this strange world, you dear reader, the poor cold beans in the rain and, if someone ever arrived, the person who ate up the bounty.

Why I love blogging.

So many things that I need to talk about, or express, or get off my chest, I basically keep to myself. Call it what you will, categorize it how you may, but it is the truth. I want to be open, but in most situations it is easier for me to just keep it to myself. And yet, I don't mean to stay so inward in regards to important things that impact me on a personal level. So, blogging is very helpful. Rather than journaling in a private format, where it stays all bottled up, I actually get it out. Then, and this is the best part, since I reach out or put the energy out there, people are able to give back- without me having to "talk" directly about it, and THAT really makes a difference.

So big thanks to my beautiful people that sent love and support and communicated back via various formats. I really appreciate it. Thank you. It's cool to be able to get that stuff out via type and to be heard and supported. Sometimes someone reminding us that we aren't crazy. I know some out there would like me to talk about these issues before I get to implosion. I will try. And to those out there who said you 'wanted to share the joy of being part of a the village helping raise amazing children,' a.k.a. teen -sitting, I'll make sure to take you up on opportunities to get time off!

So I don't know that my style or method of communication will change drastically in person, but thanks to blogging a new door is opened- one into my mind. Welcome...enter at your own risk.

Mwah ha! ha! ha! ha! (that is maniacal laughter in type)

Where is peace of mind when you need it?

In a few hours, I have to go to work- which means I should be asleep right now, but I can’t go to sleep. Why? Cause I am stressed out and going crazy because my son insists on not doing his homework and allowing his grades to dwell in the toilet. I want to not care, ignore it, emancipate him, send him off to some other family/friends house, choke him, ground him for forever, rip the tv and computer from the wall and donate them to goodwill, and/or cut off his hair, buy him slacks and button downs and send his #$@ to Catholic school. But I can’t really do any of the above, nor do I think they are the answer.

My son is too young and too blessed to be pissing away his potential by not bothering to do his homework. We ground him, we take away privileges, dock his allowance, conference with his teachers, and none of it seems to make any difference. He’s a good kid otherwise. He doesn’t get in trouble, doesn’t run around acting crazy, is for the most part respectful and loving. But his grades are in the toilet and he seems bent on flushing them further into the sewer system. It’s driving me stinking nuts!

What I am realizing is that I am really tired. After almost 15 years of parenting I am exhausted. Yeh, going back to school and getting my BA and MA was difficult and grueling at times. Yes, working so many different places and sites and teaching hundreds of students every term and just having to grind for so long is ridiculously tiring. But it is the parenting part that is killing me right now. The everyday worries and frustrations and demands and requests and constantness of that is wearing me out. And there is no break or vacation in sight, no bio father that is gonna swoop in and cover down for a couple of weeks let alone a semester, no relatives ready to take them for the summer. Instead it is about to be winter break, which means they will be home for two weeks doing the previously mentioned stuff, along with messing up the house all day and arguing with each other.

In my mind I go down this short list of people that I would trust with the kid for awhile, wondering if they would take them for a summer, a quarter. I wonder if I can make it the remaining 5 years til they are both of the age to be graduated and off to college without having some sort of stress related panic attack or nervous breakdown. Cause I am seriously burnt out, and I do not have enough ways to release anxiety. I haven’t been writing, except for blogging, cause honestly its my job now and there isn’t a lot of relaxation associated with doing work-related endeavors. So I feel it all getting pent up and I don’t know how I am going to make it.

I am tired of this city, tired of this season, tired of having to be so damn responsible all the time, tired of having to work so much to still be ridiculously in debt. My schedule is insane until mid June but I need a vacation NOW. I’ve been thinking about trying to get away to just sit on a train and ride the rails for a few days, something, anything- but the grind doesn’t allow time off. You can’t just say, “hey, I’m taking a break from this whole parenting/paying the bills thing to pursue my own joy. I’ll send a postcard when I get there.”

I would be sending postcards from Hawaii, the Bahamas, Mexico, Ghana, Italy, China, Japan, The San Juans, Amsterdam, Senegal, Greece... but instead I will be here in the rainy grayness of winter, griping at my son about how he needs to do his homework and get decent grades, for his own future and because I am not letting him live on my couch if he doesn’t decide to go to college. Explaining to my daughter that what’s for dinner is either what I made or the sandwich she decides to make for herself instead. Calgon lied cause bath softeners cannot take you away. If they could, I would have soaked earlier and been asleep already, rather than still up complaining about how I need a vacation! Parenting shouldn’t have to be so hard. Kids shouldn’t be so hard headed. And plane tickets shouldn’t be so damn expensive!

Sebastian Piper Scootie

See how cute my kitten is!?! Walidah took this picture. I think it shows my kitten at his ultimate sweetest, most goodest-ness, when he is being all cuddly and sweet looking, so adorable...
But don't let all that cuteness fool you!
He is most likely up to no good or otherwise into something, unless he is sleeping.

My kitten loves feet and feet related things.
Everyone in the house can tell you how much his teeth have grown, based on their ankle wounds. Walking fast down the hall without socks is definitely asking for it! With socks on, you are still a prime target, but you may be slightly protected. Also, he showed his true colors the other day when he climbed up my bed. I thought, "how sweet! He is coming to visit me!" He however spots some laundry on my bed, snags a rolled up pair of my ankle sock, and hops off the bed and out the door with them! Then, the next day he did it again. Today he switched it up and just played in the laundry basket for about an hour contentedly. He is strange indeed.

He also really loves to stand on his back two legs. He looks like a meerkat when he does it. This is just another example of how he thinks that he is people.

Did I mention that he likes to roll in his own poo? Every so often he hops in his litter box and scoots around in it extra, on his back. When we yell at him, he pauses, looks at us then begins again, as if beckoning us to join him. "Hey guys, come on in, it's fun!" his look says. "What are you waiting for?!" We look on disgustedly, not wanting to pick him up.

Sometimes he thinks he is a major predator. He runs past an oncoming person and ducks behind the corner, waiting. Then as soon as you get close to the turn, he pounces. What he does to a plastic bag! I watched him attack and attack a plastic bag, he rolled around with it, then ran off. Took a wide circle through the house to catch speed and pounced on it again, full throttle. I won't even mention what he can do to string or a hair scrunchi. Give him a mirror and it is on!

So my point is, don't let that cutesy little face fool you! We now have a ferocious attack kitty! He is dangerous, and he will get you!! So recognize! He's fierce!

To Shop, or Not to Shop... that is the question

My daughter wants to shop, at the mall in fact.

I can handle the mall. I know how to focus in close, like you are nearsighted without your glasses. Don’t look far down the marbled aisle at a distance, stay focused on where you are and things within close proximity. Same as if you were in Costco. While it is a ridiculous stimulus overload- if the mall experience is turned into a means to acquire a cookie, a snack an opportunity to people watch, I am all in!

But see, it is not just shopping at the mall today.
It’s shopping at the mall less than two weeks before Christmas...
need i say more? Yes. I shall.

The mall will be hell, all shopping will be hell. The parking lots will be full. People will be nuts and crazy and caffeinated on burnt tasting conglomerate coffee grabbing for the best deal to represent their love and thoughtfulness for that special someone. Somehow this capitalist wet dream, of how to make the bulk of an entire year’s profits in a couple of months, connects to Jesus?

Don’t get me wrong here. Jesus and I have no beef whatsoever.
How can you not respect someone who places the needs of the people above material wealth and greed, inspires and speaks truth to power, devotes his life to this work of transformation?

The way, in bulk, that people are bombarded with the “holiday/holler-day season is whack. Let's be honest, reports and accounts and texts and how they are used and interpreted must always be questioned and evaluated. After all, look what the bible has been through- being rewritten and edited, translated through several languages, passed through a couple thousand years, and various groups with their own intention. History in the hand of the conquerors. How did his excruciating tortuous, public murder on the cross translate into the repeated symbol people see and use regularly? I think we need to celebrate his birth and activist life and give that energy, rather than carry symbols of the tool of his death. But Jesus would declare us all nuts if he were alive to see how we twisted a day in his name for capitalist purposes. Ill *ish I tell you.
But I’m just saying, there are a few things Jesus is gonna be really pissed off about if he returns one year to the U.S. on his "birthday."

- How the pictures and statues don't even look like him.
- His Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome triggered by all the images of his crucifixion
- All the hungry, homeless and mistreated people
- What’s been done in his name, especially in regards to the way he has been misused as an icon for agendas of colonialism. Tokenized as a team mascot for an international take over league, he wouldn’t have been down with.
- How they got the date of his birth wrong.

Here’s something else about how we celebrate this day that drives me nuts! All the trees we cut down immature for this! They aren't even adolescent trees, they are newborns and infant trees. Yet they will die in how many homes this year? I remember going out and planting little trees in a tube as an elementary student. The experience affirmed that I could help do my small piece for the environment.
Conspiracy theory: maybe it was all part of getting free child labor to seed the x-mas tree market?

My mom and I stopped buying Christmas trees, when I was about my son’s current age, after we watched our last one die slowly in the living room before we threw it out alongside all the other used and discarded trees. Now this holiday seems to revolve around the list of “I want....” that isn’t always followed with the list of I “want to give...” So if you haven’t already figured out, I am a little too analytical and skeptical to get too into the holiday spirit.

But I love time off for family and friends and eating and generosity, it is always good to have that and more of it. So happy holidays, there are many to choose from, and happy new year and winter and birthday and un-birthdays to all. Be stars and light the way to a better next year.

Love and Happiness...
Ms. "i'm heading out the door to buy some stuff. What's for Sale?"

All Dressed Up and No Way to Go

Walidah and I practiced, the preceding day and the afternoon of the show.
We had our set ready.
We wrote an article for an anthology.
We ate a fabulous vegan dinner, that was an example of great group effort.
We got dressed and ready to go out the door.
We packed t-shirts to sell.
We headed out on the open road to the benefit event for Outside/In.
We planned to miss the dinner, and arrive at 7pm.
We were just across the bridge from our destination.
We decided to kindly stop for a pedestrian, since there was a crosswalk and no light.
The car died, and wouldn't start again after several painfully unsuccessful tries.

We were stuck in the left lane, on a busy road, in a dead car.
We couldn't push it out of the way.
We couldn't go anywhere.

A couple people stopped and tried to "help".
Person 1: Do you have a cell phone?... Oh, well good, just wanted to check. I can't stay, I am supposed to meet my wife.
Person 2: What's wrong?...Is there gas in the car?... Oh, well do you think you maybe ran out of gas?... You sure?...I may have a gallon of gas in a container in my trunk... you don't think its gas?

Then there were the miscellaneous honkers and yellers sharing their jewels of wisdom.
"What the hell are you doing?!" followed inevitably with honking horns. Apparently we were just hanging out at a standstill on a busy road cause we thought that was where the party was at! Stinkin idiots!

Luckily since we were in a prime location, blocking a busy road, we got quick attention and a tow to a closed mechanic and given a ride home. Our tow guy was ridiculously nice in fact. So we didn't make it to our performance, which is a rare phenomena. We had a show on The 9/11 in P-town and didn't cancel, to give an example of our dedication. But our car had other plans. And while it stunk to miss the show, it was good to be back home, inside- cause it was dark and cold, and that makes the indoors and comforts of home even more appealing.

Celebrating My Mom's Birthday in Her Absence

Yesterday would have been my mother's 58th birthday.

This is the first Birthday she wasn't here for and I knew it would be difficult. Last year we went to see her, brought her gifts and hung out- not suspecting it would be her last birthday. She always gave thanks for every year and was proud to have made it through another. Her life was definitely not simple or easy, most of the time.

I made a decision to plan ahead. I didn't want to spend my mom's birthday sad and mourning, cause I know that she wouldn't want that. I mean of course she would want us to remember her and think of her, but she would want us to be happy and live full lives. So I called my grandma and we decided that we would spend the day at the casino.

This may sound strange, but that was the one outing that my mother engaged in whenever she could. Her cousin would get a van, to accommodate mom's wheelchair, and they would party it up. It wasn't something they could do ALL the time, but it was definitely one of the few things, (other than seeing family, and Raider's victories) that really got her excited. She never won big, but she always had a great time and told me all about it. The last time she went with her cousin, it was fairly close to her birthday last year I believe, they stayed out until about 3AM. It is a funny picture to me, imagining my mother getting in from a night of gambling and heading back to the nursing home that late at night. She was definitely not the typical resident by any means. She was so much younger than all the other's who lived there.

So it seemed like the fitting activity to mark the day we lost someone we loved so dearly, doing something that brought her joy. I had never been to a casino before, I am not much of a gambler. I am much more concerned with the dollar in hand vs. the one that may or may not come. Of course that is why I always have several jobs. I need money coming in consistently and am trying to up the amount it equals, ya know! Sure I'd like to win a million, or 100k but I understand that work is the most consistently paying reality.

And let's be honest, casinos are strange entities. Shining lights and machines everywhere, people smoking all over the place hoping with each push of the button that their luck will come through. Exciting though, but a bit dangerous. I mean I put a dollar in, pushed one button, and well- farewell dollar! So I pretty much stuck to the penny machines. 5-20 cents a bet was about all I could justify. Overall Brian and I only lost $20, (most of the losing was done by me)- of course we only gambled with about $70 altogether in the first place- and when we won something we cashed out, then kept the ticket and the winnings rather than turning around and putting it back in the machines. I think we did good, and I sort of got the hang of what methods worked best for me as information to serve my mission for the next time. Brian won more when I was sitting next to him, and I won at machines when I randomly walked alone through the rows and chose the machine that caught my eye, and sat down to play. Next time, I think I will do much better!

We all sat down together for lunch, there were 6 of us all together, and gave a toast to mom with our sodas. My cousin talked about the last time the two of them had come out there to gamble. Grandma talked about which machines she had loved to play. We celebrated and smiled and laughed. For a few minutes, my grandma even held onto my hand and it was really beautiful. I think that mom would have really appreciated the outing and my aunt said that she was probably with us, and she was definitely in our hearts and thoughts.

However, I am starting to think that the after-life, or next journey, is the one we manifest through our desires in this life- so where mom is would probably have casinos where everyone always wins big and the Raiders are the Super Bowl champions each and every year!

Happy Birthday Mom! We love you!

Aaaah Seattle

Spent the weekend in Seattle. Had a reading and book signing for the new anthology out which includes Good Sista/Bad Sista.
(Word Warriors: 35 Women Leaders in the Spoken Word Revolution). Obviously work related things are the best way to get me to go anywhere, so it was perfect! We drove up there on Friday and went to a show featuring our buddy Gabriel Teodros. His album is called Love Work, check it out! And sure, that would have been enough on its own, but to add to the joy, Khalil was in town too, so the audience was blessed with the presence of Abyssinian Creole, and Walidah and I had fantastic company for a late night snack at a local diner. Khalil is that friend who makes life like a stand-up impromptu comedy routine. I think he and Walidah are like twin spirits separated at birth or something, they were a riot together! Gabe and I just sort of observed and were entertained by their sillyness. We might have to form a quartet Good Sista Bad Sista w/ Good Brotha Bad Brotha.

Our performance on Saturday went really well. Years have passed since I last saw Alix Olson (the editor of the anthology) perform. I have opened up for her a couple of times when she came through my town and we have run into each other in other parts of the country, but it is always amazing to see people after the passage of time and witness how they have grown and come more into themselves. She was so fricken funny! Her poetry was really beautifully done, but her stage presence while chatting was brilliant, perfect comedic timing and I loved it! Then after we all performed we did some Q & A and it was amazing. I think that the three of us made a really great team. Hopefully we will do more work together around the bok and otherwise, cause I I had so much fun.

Then, I got to hang out with my girl Christa Bell who is one of my friends from the way back. That is always inspiring and motivating. She is someone who always gives me so much positive energy and quality advice. Love her!

The craziest thing that happened while out there was a downpour of big fat snowflakes! Beautiful but oh so winter. I am gonna try to head back soon, most definitely!

Pink Elephants and Avoidance

The following piece I wrote today after being inspired by one of my students at VSAA who brought up the "pink elephant in the room" as one of the things we don't generally talk about, that deserves more attention.

Enjoy!

Never Mind The Large Things Staring You in the Face (temporary title)
by Turiya

the pink elephant turns cartwheels
eats desks, grabs students in its trunk
crushes teachers and hunts for peanuts
lost in the classroom carpet
while students gaze silently at maps
marking imaginary boundaries of a sliced up world
pie that only a few get to taste
while the rest rent with no hope of ownership

moving on to musical pursuits
the elephant plays improvisational trunk jazz solos
growing in volume until the noise
can be heard beyond the windows and the parking lot
while students continue their algebraic equations
explicate the value of y
write eternal numbers representing the infinity of pi
diligently showing their work in order to get full credit
trying to raise their g.p.a. because college applications are due
and these are most important pursuits

from shades of pink to red to violet and blue
the mastodon is not afraid of hue
he shifts form, becoming larger than life
swings from the florescent lights
grabs hold of the curtains and throws them to the floor
while students practice diagramming sentences
study gerunds and parts of speech undisturbed
plan out essays and look for the ultimate hypothesis
dot their “i’s” and place their punctuation correctly

there is a time for paying attention to elephants after all
while eating ice-cream at the zoo
from the high seats in a coliseum viewing circus acts
during safari in foreign lands
no need to notice them elsewhere
look away and perhaps
they will vanish from the room entirely