Celebrating My Mom's Birthday in Her Absence

Yesterday would have been my mother's 58th birthday.

This is the first Birthday she wasn't here for and I knew it would be difficult. Last year we went to see her, brought her gifts and hung out- not suspecting it would be her last birthday. She always gave thanks for every year and was proud to have made it through another. Her life was definitely not simple or easy, most of the time.

I made a decision to plan ahead. I didn't want to spend my mom's birthday sad and mourning, cause I know that she wouldn't want that. I mean of course she would want us to remember her and think of her, but she would want us to be happy and live full lives. So I called my grandma and we decided that we would spend the day at the casino.

This may sound strange, but that was the one outing that my mother engaged in whenever she could. Her cousin would get a van, to accommodate mom's wheelchair, and they would party it up. It wasn't something they could do ALL the time, but it was definitely one of the few things, (other than seeing family, and Raider's victories) that really got her excited. She never won big, but she always had a great time and told me all about it. The last time she went with her cousin, it was fairly close to her birthday last year I believe, they stayed out until about 3AM. It is a funny picture to me, imagining my mother getting in from a night of gambling and heading back to the nursing home that late at night. She was definitely not the typical resident by any means. She was so much younger than all the other's who lived there.

So it seemed like the fitting activity to mark the day we lost someone we loved so dearly, doing something that brought her joy. I had never been to a casino before, I am not much of a gambler. I am much more concerned with the dollar in hand vs. the one that may or may not come. Of course that is why I always have several jobs. I need money coming in consistently and am trying to up the amount it equals, ya know! Sure I'd like to win a million, or 100k but I understand that work is the most consistently paying reality.

And let's be honest, casinos are strange entities. Shining lights and machines everywhere, people smoking all over the place hoping with each push of the button that their luck will come through. Exciting though, but a bit dangerous. I mean I put a dollar in, pushed one button, and well- farewell dollar! So I pretty much stuck to the penny machines. 5-20 cents a bet was about all I could justify. Overall Brian and I only lost $20, (most of the losing was done by me)- of course we only gambled with about $70 altogether in the first place- and when we won something we cashed out, then kept the ticket and the winnings rather than turning around and putting it back in the machines. I think we did good, and I sort of got the hang of what methods worked best for me as information to serve my mission for the next time. Brian won more when I was sitting next to him, and I won at machines when I randomly walked alone through the rows and chose the machine that caught my eye, and sat down to play. Next time, I think I will do much better!

We all sat down together for lunch, there were 6 of us all together, and gave a toast to mom with our sodas. My cousin talked about the last time the two of them had come out there to gamble. Grandma talked about which machines she had loved to play. We celebrated and smiled and laughed. For a few minutes, my grandma even held onto my hand and it was really beautiful. I think that mom would have really appreciated the outing and my aunt said that she was probably with us, and she was definitely in our hearts and thoughts.

However, I am starting to think that the after-life, or next journey, is the one we manifest through our desires in this life- so where mom is would probably have casinos where everyone always wins big and the Raiders are the Super Bowl champions each and every year!

Happy Birthday Mom! We love you!