So I have a really overactive imagination while dreaming or awake, but I thought that I would write about the latest dream, cause it was such an interesting mix of things. On one side it reminds me that I should really consider what I watch before going to bed and on the other how much is possible in REM states of consciousness.
So I never remember every detail of my dreams, but specific things leave powerful imprints that stay with me after the fact. So last night's creation was a combination of reality tv and a reality I wish for every day.
The silly: I was dropping off a miscellaneous dream friend at the Tila Tequila mansion, cause they were going to be on the show. Tila saw me and decided that I should also be on the show. It looked nothing like the spot on tv, it was instead a pretty regular house, except there were lots of people trying to decide what room they were going to stay in. I worried that I would be like the woman she chose this season all undecided, since I wasn't really sure that she was my type.
The serious: I don't know if it was a continuation or separate, but my mom shows up in the dream. My mom passed over a year and a half ago (wow that is crazy to type- it doesn't seem like it has been that long yet it seems like an eternity since I saw her at the same time). She was basically paralyzed from the waist down for the last several years of her life and in a nursing home. However, in my dreams she is making this steady progression back to her earlier abilities.
At first when I would dream about her, she would still be in a wheelchair, or somehow miraculously driving which was always a scary contradiction in my dreams where my mind would argue with itself thinking that she shouldn't be driving in her condition (she was a huge fan of driving cars with kick when she was able to do so.) And I would usually start bursting into tears in my dreams, mourning the fact that she was gone- which made dreaming about her really difficult for me upon waking, cause I felt exhausted like I had been really been crying and the sadness would linger all day if not for days plural.
But last night, or this morning, she was getting out of the wheelchair and slowly walking, as if she was regaining her strength and the ability to walk. And instead of being overly analytical and breaking myself out of the dream with my conscious knowledge, I was able to go with it and hang out with her. I am sure that as supportive as she was throughout my life, if in the dream she was hanging out with me outside of the Tila mansion and I had made the choice to enter the realm of reality t.v bi-sexual dating, she would have supported that as well, if I was serious about it. She was my number one fan as well as an amazing mom.
I went through a similar process after my great-grandmother, the other relative I was closest to in my life, when she passed when I was in high school. At first when I would dream about her, I would fracture the dream by realizing seeing her was impossible since she had passed. Then over time, I stopped denying the possibility and enjoyed our time talking and being together. I want to get to that place with my mother in the dream world. Gosh, I miss her so much. Maybe as time goes on we will be speeding cross country in a sporty car, without any fear of her driving skills being impaired- convertible top down, wind slapping our hair around while we listen to Maze singing Happy Feelings.
* Note to self: No more Tila before bedtime... although I do wish her and everyone else on the planet luck finding love. The world is often a cruel and lonely place to live.
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