I am just going to start with the real.
What the ----?!
I go to show my friend my website, I type in the address, only my page doesn't load. Instead some other page loads with a bunch of crap-tacular ads for those places you have to enter in your information in order to get more information that perhaps you should really be able to get for free. UGH!!!!! AND there on the bottom are the words trademark 2008. Now I have been using that name forever, sure others have used it- but i owned the .com address for years! Since 2000 or earlier, and I have been using that name even longer to title events i hosted. I was sooooo pissed! I had missed the takeover of my domain name because when I build my website I work through an application to update and then I publish, but the .com address was still the "entry" page so the name stays simple and consistent.
I am no longer "that" .com and I feel like a part of me has been appropriated. It hurt. I mean "that" website was still part of my e-mail signature (until this morning), so I have been sending folks there! UGH to the nth power!
Then there was a moment of clarity- I am an artist, a creative spirit with an amazing repertoire able to leap hurdles in a single bound and this can serve as a turning point, a step into the new, a welcoming of the next level of me.
Damn those ------- -------- for jacking my site! How long has this been going on! Scandalous! Scandalous!
But I shall bounce back from this small setback, and turn chaos into lemonade,
...that cool refreshing drink.
So HA!
I will let you know the new site name once i have it routed, but for now you can get there through: www.GoodSistaBadSista.com
Check it out, I updated it today!
See the hostile take-over of my domain name inspired cool updates!
Take that Domain Snatchers! My website is way cooler!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Dreams of Mother
I don't want to wake to a world heavy with her absence
After riding bikes together in REM states, showing her my neighborhood
Stopping for a bite to eat, holding her hand in mine
She seems to smile often, while I hold in tears
cause sleep is a temporary condition and eventually I must rise
even if the shine of the world rubs of with the slightest touch of consciousness
as daylight highlights what is missing, even though I try to camouflage my grief
bury it under the stress of financial struggle, constancy of being busy
But eventually a body in motion must rest, so I meet her in dreams
where everything is tainted with the impossibility and logic of the subconscious
there she is eternally in her early forties, even though I am well past graduation
my age consistent with reality and hers tied to memories before things started to turn
I am always on a mission, attempting to return her to California
the place she considered home, amongst the sand and salt water air
perhaps a place in my brain imagines that if I could get her there
we could start again and try a different path leading to longevity
where I pick up the phone to call and she still answers
where she lives only a half hour away by car on a Saturday trip
rather than the intangible distance of the spirit world I cannot grasp
where we share a smoke, reminisce and talk shit
where I address pictures form my trip to her so she can see her grandchildren
growing like weeds on the verge of adulthood
its hard to live in house with no memories of her presence
other than the altar I've created
so many friends and people in my current context who never really knew her
no one wants to visit a nursing home, let alone have to live there
and I miss being back home, where so many knew the woman I remember her as
healthy, vibrant, empathetic, beautiful, amazing, hardworking and determined
and part of me longs for California, more than my own love of the ocean
it's every memory that we had there, that starts to blur with time
this state wasn't a first choice for either of us, but family and necessity drew us in
My alarm goes off as the sun rises steadily above the horizon
but how do I make myself get up early when the only time I see her is in my dreams?
After riding bikes together in REM states, showing her my neighborhood
Stopping for a bite to eat, holding her hand in mine
She seems to smile often, while I hold in tears
cause sleep is a temporary condition and eventually I must rise
even if the shine of the world rubs of with the slightest touch of consciousness
as daylight highlights what is missing, even though I try to camouflage my grief
bury it under the stress of financial struggle, constancy of being busy
But eventually a body in motion must rest, so I meet her in dreams
where everything is tainted with the impossibility and logic of the subconscious
there she is eternally in her early forties, even though I am well past graduation
my age consistent with reality and hers tied to memories before things started to turn
I am always on a mission, attempting to return her to California
the place she considered home, amongst the sand and salt water air
perhaps a place in my brain imagines that if I could get her there
we could start again and try a different path leading to longevity
where I pick up the phone to call and she still answers
where she lives only a half hour away by car on a Saturday trip
rather than the intangible distance of the spirit world I cannot grasp
where we share a smoke, reminisce and talk shit
where I address pictures form my trip to her so she can see her grandchildren
growing like weeds on the verge of adulthood
its hard to live in house with no memories of her presence
other than the altar I've created
so many friends and people in my current context who never really knew her
no one wants to visit a nursing home, let alone have to live there
and I miss being back home, where so many knew the woman I remember her as
healthy, vibrant, empathetic, beautiful, amazing, hardworking and determined
and part of me longs for California, more than my own love of the ocean
it's every memory that we had there, that starts to blur with time
this state wasn't a first choice for either of us, but family and necessity drew us in
My alarm goes off as the sun rises steadily above the horizon
but how do I make myself get up early when the only time I see her is in my dreams?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Working it Out
I have been diligently paying for a gym membership for probably 3 years (they auto withdraw every month). Yet, I can count the times I have actually used that membership using my fingers and toes. Sad- but true. Originally I signed up because my sister Beth was a personal trainer for a hot minute and I wanted to support her, and we were going to work out all the time together. But she only worked there a few months and then eventually she moved back towards her home town and my gym ambitions left with her.
Then something amazing happened... while I was in California staying for a couple of days at a really nice hotel in SF my kids convinced me to go to the gym with them, and I liked it. Mind you, they only had a couple of treadmills and some hand weights and stair climbers, but that made it less intimidating. It became obvious to me that there was no reason for me to be such a slacker and not use my membership... so this past week I began going to the gym! YAY me! And even more importantly- I LIKED IT! I think that having an mp3 player with some really good playlists helps out cause I can tune out all the other folks in the gym, which is nice.
Sure, part of me is freaking out about having "free time" which translates into "not enough work yet to pay all my bills since I decided to take a stand and not teach a ton of university classes if they weren't going to meet my basic needs." So I may be broke and currently underemployed, but give me a few months and I am gonna be in way better shape. Can you put a price on that?
Then something amazing happened... while I was in California staying for a couple of days at a really nice hotel in SF my kids convinced me to go to the gym with them, and I liked it. Mind you, they only had a couple of treadmills and some hand weights and stair climbers, but that made it less intimidating. It became obvious to me that there was no reason for me to be such a slacker and not use my membership... so this past week I began going to the gym! YAY me! And even more importantly- I LIKED IT! I think that having an mp3 player with some really good playlists helps out cause I can tune out all the other folks in the gym, which is nice.
Sure, part of me is freaking out about having "free time" which translates into "not enough work yet to pay all my bills since I decided to take a stand and not teach a ton of university classes if they weren't going to meet my basic needs." So I may be broke and currently underemployed, but give me a few months and I am gonna be in way better shape. Can you put a price on that?
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Thoughts on Election
This started as a response to a friend's blog, otherwise I might not have written on the topic...
I am conflicted.
I want to believe that people are really excited about the possibility of a man of color being president, and not just because it sounds like the right thing to say or because it is the new era replacement for "and my best friend in middle school was _________." (insert ethnicity here) I want to believe that white people are equally as tired of racism as an institution and want to see it topple so we can all lead more fully actualized lives. I also want to believe that if elected he will still live a long healthy life.
I am trying not to dwell on the historic connotations of oppression and how it has played out through white female vs. black male archetypes and factions that have succeeded in leading to disunity when unified fronts could have made all the difference- see suffrage movement, the 60's, labor unions... It seems too obvious that it would again be the classic choice of man of color or white woman. Will a white woman willingly work against white privilege and institutionalized racism? Will a man of color work against institutionalized sexism and the violence of wars inside and outside our borders, within institutions as well as within households? History doesn't have to repeat itself if we have understanding, right? And we could all understand and work harder, couldn't we?
I also realize that if he is elected, he also brings 3 women of color with him- and the 1st lady and children of presidents also come into wider avenues of outreach, so what work could they do as a family, with access to power on an institutional level if they really forwarded an agenda for the people?!!!!
I see potential... That could be so amazing if just a big enough ripple of energy spread to really get things moving in the right direction.
Power is a Mutha$(&! and doesn't like to give in willingly)- but could we change just enough to start a global snowball effect of goodness? It seems we have been on the cusp for so long it has to be on the verge. (Like the mountains of tokens in those games where you aim and drop in another coin hoping that the slider arm will push the pile of tokens over the edge. Sooooooo close...soooooo cloooose...
I want to be excited about all the new people registering to vote and caring about voting for the first time in ages. I want to be all about the potential of democracy- even though I know the mathematics of "majority" and that it can leave a lot of people unaccounted for, and that our system only labels itself such but actually exists as something quite different entirely. And we shouldn't ignore that the last two elections were fixed and made voting a moot point, (although I should be appreciative that I got to cast my vote unlike others.) But it doesn't have to be like this! Democracy could look the way we describe it, live the way it is theorized, be what we will it to be for the good of all the people, rather than a few of the people.
I want the world to be a better place. I want the United States to not be wicked. I want business to be ethical and resources to be shared and respected. I want an earth that lives and thrives. I want universal health care, an end to war and poverty, a reality of equality and justice and happiness, etc... etc... I want to believe.
But the cynic in me nurses a lot of doubts.
I am conflicted.
I want to believe that people are really excited about the possibility of a man of color being president, and not just because it sounds like the right thing to say or because it is the new era replacement for "and my best friend in middle school was _________." (insert ethnicity here) I want to believe that white people are equally as tired of racism as an institution and want to see it topple so we can all lead more fully actualized lives. I also want to believe that if elected he will still live a long healthy life.
I am trying not to dwell on the historic connotations of oppression and how it has played out through white female vs. black male archetypes and factions that have succeeded in leading to disunity when unified fronts could have made all the difference- see suffrage movement, the 60's, labor unions... It seems too obvious that it would again be the classic choice of man of color or white woman. Will a white woman willingly work against white privilege and institutionalized racism? Will a man of color work against institutionalized sexism and the violence of wars inside and outside our borders, within institutions as well as within households? History doesn't have to repeat itself if we have understanding, right? And we could all understand and work harder, couldn't we?
I also realize that if he is elected, he also brings 3 women of color with him- and the 1st lady and children of presidents also come into wider avenues of outreach, so what work could they do as a family, with access to power on an institutional level if they really forwarded an agenda for the people?!!!!
I see potential... That could be so amazing if just a big enough ripple of energy spread to really get things moving in the right direction.
Power is a Mutha$(&! and doesn't like to give in willingly)- but could we change just enough to start a global snowball effect of goodness? It seems we have been on the cusp for so long it has to be on the verge. (Like the mountains of tokens in those games where you aim and drop in another coin hoping that the slider arm will push the pile of tokens over the edge. Sooooooo close...soooooo cloooose...
I want to be excited about all the new people registering to vote and caring about voting for the first time in ages. I want to be all about the potential of democracy- even though I know the mathematics of "majority" and that it can leave a lot of people unaccounted for, and that our system only labels itself such but actually exists as something quite different entirely. And we shouldn't ignore that the last two elections were fixed and made voting a moot point, (although I should be appreciative that I got to cast my vote unlike others.) But it doesn't have to be like this! Democracy could look the way we describe it, live the way it is theorized, be what we will it to be for the good of all the people, rather than a few of the people.
I want the world to be a better place. I want the United States to not be wicked. I want business to be ethical and resources to be shared and respected. I want an earth that lives and thrives. I want universal health care, an end to war and poverty, a reality of equality and justice and happiness, etc... etc... I want to believe.
But the cynic in me nurses a lot of doubts.
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