Dreams of Mother

I don't want to wake to a world heavy with her absence
After riding bikes together in REM states, showing her my neighborhood
Stopping for a bite to eat, holding her hand in mine
She seems to smile often, while I hold in tears
cause sleep is a temporary condition and eventually I must rise
even if the shine of the world rubs of with the slightest touch of consciousness
as daylight highlights what is missing, even though I try to camouflage my grief
bury it under the stress of financial struggle, constancy of being busy

But eventually a body in motion must rest, so I meet her in dreams
where everything is tainted with the impossibility and logic of the subconscious
there she is eternally in her early forties, even though I am well past graduation
my age consistent with reality and hers tied to memories before things started to turn
I am always on a mission, attempting to return her to California
the place she considered home, amongst the sand and salt water air
perhaps a place in my brain imagines that if I could get her there
we could start again and try a different path leading to longevity
where I pick up the phone to call and she still answers
where she lives only a half hour away by car on a Saturday trip
rather than the intangible distance of the spirit world I cannot grasp
where we share a smoke, reminisce and talk shit
where I address pictures form my trip to her so she can see her grandchildren
growing like weeds on the verge of adulthood

its hard to live in house with no memories of her presence
other than the altar I've created
so many friends and people in my current context who never really knew her
no one wants to visit a nursing home, let alone have to live there
and I miss being back home, where so many knew the woman I remember her as
healthy, vibrant, empathetic, beautiful, amazing, hardworking and determined
and part of me longs for California, more than my own love of the ocean
it's every memory that we had there, that starts to blur with time
this state wasn't a first choice for either of us, but family and necessity drew us in

My alarm goes off as the sun rises steadily above the horizon
but how do I make myself get up early when the only time I see her is in my dreams?