Inter-racial dating, thoughts and auto-biographical info

I don’t think I ever wrote about my takes on interracial dating dynamics- and a friend's blog has made we want to give that topic some representation on my blog for some time...

as a product of an interracial marriage that was initially shunned on both sides I have a clear awareness of the potential disruption possible. Here are some of my insights:

MY EXPERIENCES WITH FAMILY
- Mom’s side aka the “white” side of the family
My mom’s brother threatened my dad with a shotgun and, my mom’s teenaged sisters were banned from attending the wedding by their father/the family patriarch. My great grandma Emma, (who my mother was named after and my daughter is named after both) was the only one who came from my mom’s side. She visited with us too throughout. My mom’s uncle wouldn’t look at my brother when he was born cause he thought he was going to be spotted or striped. We were generally outcasted and opted out of contact with a lot of that side of the family for years.

I put “white” in quotes because that may be a temporary condition in a lot of ways. My youngest aunt married and had a child by a Black man. The middle sister married/ divorced an Irish man and then her only daughter has a toddler- a mixed daughter by a Black (and possibly part Native American) man. Then there is me, my mother’s only living child. Then there’s my uncle, the eldest sibling, whose two oldest daughters are fully white, but whose youngest two youngest daughters, from a later marriage, are half Native American. So brown is definitely winning out with the young generation if we continue to choose melanin possessing mates….

- Dad’s side aka the “Black” side of the family
They weren’t initially exuberant about my Dad marrying a white woman. My great grandma Baby sewed the wedding dress extra large insinuating it must be a question of taking responsibility for a pregnancy and not “love”. (My mom wasn’t pregnant btw.) I talk with my Dad’s cousin about how that was to see her brothers and male cousins choose to be with white women almost exclusively. However my grandparents and the preceding generations might have felt about their children’s choices in regards to partners, they loved us grandchildren and didn’t disrespect our mothers, at least not in our presence. My Dad’s family loved my mother, and they still do. They never disrespected us or treated us in any off way, because of our mixed heritage. But they also had the history of violence around inter-racial relationships, whether assumed or real, in their lifetimes. So there is just a lot of general fear that must be accounted for when folks have been getting lynched in the name of insuring that the mere thought of dating a white woman, or the accusation of anything related to a white woman whether real, imagined, or falsely stated equaled death.

I put “Black” in quotes, because a large percentage of this side of my family have chosen to have children with white women and men. Myself (1/2), my children (3/4 Black) and my youngest sister (my dad was remarried to and then divorced a Black woman from Nigeria) are the exceptions. All the cousins in my generation are mixed like me then they had children by white men/women, so did my aunt… so depending on how the teens and youth decide to choose their partners we may see an erasure of melanin throughout many branches.

MY EXPERIENCE WITH DATING
It is not easy being a black woman. I am bi-racial, but I generally identify as Black as a political choice. If your female mate, as defined by patriarchal assumptions and accepted blindly and intentionally by many, is supposed to be a trophy, a sign of prestige and status- then stuff is stacked WAY against Black women. We’ve been described as the antithesis of feminine in past ideals of submissiveness, dependence, and working solely in the home compared to our realities of working outside of the home since our forced arrival and having to be fiercely strong to sustain self and others in order to survive. Prevailing beauty myths, standards and narrow boxes of what is widely perceived and accepted as beautiful, also don’t really support Black women. Couple that with being outnumbered drastically in a city like Portland, and it makes for tough travels.

Most white men I dated (high school early college) did not usually invite me to meet their parents and often were not pursuing a “relationship” in any way, with one exception, 2 if you count my 5th grade boyfriend who I used to ride dirt bikes with and we held hands like once- he was actually my longest relationship with a white male, I think it was 6 months. I basically stopped “seeing” white men fairly young and once I had options, then I really haven’t been inclined in that direction.

Other men of color that I “kicked it” with (Asian, Mexican, Native American) were basically more “encounters” where they were friends/acquaintances that wanted to kick it for a few days, or a week, as more than friends, but with no real intention of a “relationship”. So the meeting the parents question doesn’t really fit here, but clearly also rare.

Black men- surely different drama accompanies every relationship, but the majority of actual relationships, whether “seeing” somebody, or longer-term have been with black men. I am most likely to have met their parents/ families and hung out with their friends as well.

Now when it comes to art, organizing and work, I have really quality working friendship relationships across the board with men and women of all backgrounds. Of course not all of them are perfect or fabulous, but there are a lot of quality examples, which prove coalition is possible and well worth the effort with women and men of all walks. But in regards to inter-racial intimate relationships, my experience shows that the hierarchy which places white women on the top of the hetero-normative marriage material top spot and black women in the bottom slot, is alive and well and really F@#*& up.