Family and Holidays

This year wasn't so bad actually.
I have to be honest and admit that some years I have avoided the family on the holidays. My mom's side of the family can be pretty intense, especially in numbers. People who know me, realize that I am pretty talkative, and when i want I can be the center of attention fairly comfortably. However, since I am on stage for most of my work I also can comfortably step back from the light to let others shine. Clearly many of my family members don't have that outlet, so gatherings tend to be these talk fests where folks are constantly talking over each other rather than engaging in "conversation", which should equal talking balanced with listening- go figure! So it is hard to get a word in edge-wise, or to get into deeper levels of discussion. I love my family, but I realize after spending several hours with them that I am drained. Mainly because for me having conversations with depth is energizing and filling and fueling. Staying on that more superficial level keeps the atmosphere more peaceful or causes less conflict potentially, but wears me out.

Most of us only see each other a couple times a year, so that isn't a lot of time to really strengthen relationships and I realize that I don't know a lot about most of my family. Yeh, I know if they are in school, how many kids they have, some of the incidents they got in trouble for as kids... but as far as ambitions, fears, goals... not so much. The highlights for me were the moments when we got personal, deep and out of the "happy". My cousin addressing her addiction history, my other cousin taking a moment at grace to remember my mother, my uncle talking about how it was to go hunting on his 60th birthday- not that I am into hunting, but the fact he made 60 is huge, no men on that side have lived that long there is a history of heart issues and our gatherings are predominately female because of it. These blips were where I really felt touched and close to the people I share blood with, but they were just that, blips- so much more energy went to trying to get the USC game to come in on the radio or other such lighter topics. I guess I am weird that way. I like to get serious, I am not afraid of that place where we reach beyond the surface into the meat and the bone.

So I am of course glad to see everyone, I love them cause sharing DNA connects us in a way that makes us return to each other as a large group a couple of times a year and build this thing called family. We maybe didn't choose each other, but we are consistently attached for eternity. That is powerful, the we love each other whether or not we have to always like each other. I made a point to attend this year since we lost my mom, this is our first family holiday gathering without her. (Granted, since she was in a nursing home and physically limited, she couldn't come to the dinners at grandma's but we would all drive out to see her after and bring her a plate of food and hang out.) I miss her of course, and I can't help but think of her. She has returned to me in my dreams recently too, which has been very powerful and positive for me, perhaps I will blog about that more specifically later.

Sunday I will spend the day at my house having a gathering with my father's side of the family. It will be a completely different dynamic. Bi-racialness also contributes to pretty different family personalities and environments. It also means that outside of my mother's funeral, the two sides exist pretty separately.