Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Where is peace of mind when you need it?



In a few hours, I have to go to work- which means I should be asleep right now, but I can’t go to sleep. Why? Cause I am stressed out and going crazy because my son insists on not doing his homework and allowing his grades to dwell in the toilet. I want to not care, ignore it, emancipate him, send him off to some other family/friends house, choke him, ground him for forever, rip the tv and computer from the wall and donate them to goodwill, and/or cut off his hair, buy him slacks and button downs and send his #$@ to Catholic school. But I can’t really do any of the above, nor do I think they are the answer.

My son is too young and too blessed to be pissing away his potential by not bothering to do his homework. We ground him, we take away privileges, dock his allowance, conference with his teachers, and none of it seems to make any difference. He’s a good kid otherwise. He doesn’t get in trouble, doesn’t run around acting crazy, is for the most part respectful and loving. But his grades are in the toilet and he seems bent on flushing them further into the sewer system. It’s driving me stinking nuts!

What I am realizing is that I am really tired. After almost 15 years of parenting I am exhausted. Yeh, going back to school and getting my BA and MA was difficult and grueling at times. Yes, working so many different places and sites and teaching hundreds of students every term and just having to grind for so long is ridiculously tiring. But it is the parenting part that is killing me right now. The everyday worries and frustrations and demands and requests and constantness of that is wearing me out. And there is no break or vacation in sight, no bio father that is gonna swoop in and cover down for a couple of weeks let alone a semester, no relatives ready to take them for the summer. Instead it is about to be winter break, which means they will be home for two weeks doing the previously mentioned stuff, along with messing up the house all day and arguing with each other.

In my mind I go down this short list of people that I would trust with the kid for awhile, wondering if they would take them for a summer, a quarter. I wonder if I can make it the remaining 5 years til they are both of the age to be graduated and off to college without having some sort of stress related panic attack or nervous breakdown. Cause I am seriously burnt out, and I do not have enough ways to release anxiety. I haven’t been writing, except for blogging, cause honestly its my job now and there isn’t a lot of relaxation associated with doing work-related endeavors. So I feel it all getting pent up and I don’t know how I am going to make it.

I am tired of this city, tired of this season, tired of having to be so damn responsible all the time, tired of having to work so much to still be ridiculously in debt. My schedule is insane until mid June but I need a vacation NOW. I’ve been thinking about trying to get away to just sit on a train and ride the rails for a few days, something, anything- but the grind doesn’t allow time off. You can’t just say, “hey, I’m taking a break from this whole parenting/paying the bills thing to pursue my own joy. I’ll send a postcard when I get there.”

I would be sending postcards from Hawaii, the Bahamas, Mexico, Ghana, Italy, China, Japan, The San Juans, Amsterdam, Senegal, Greece... but instead I will be here in the rainy grayness of winter, griping at my son about how he needs to do his homework and get decent grades, for his own future and because I am not letting him live on my couch if he doesn’t decide to go to college. Explaining to my daughter that what’s for dinner is either what I made or the sandwich she decides to make for herself instead. Calgon lied cause bath softeners cannot take you away. If they could, I would have soaked earlier and been asleep already, rather than still up complaining about how I need a vacation! Parenting shouldn’t have to be so hard. Kids shouldn’t be so hard headed. And plane tickets shouldn’t be so damn expensive!

2 comments:

CVT said...

Sounds like you need a LIGHT THERAPY LAMP.

Seriously, though - I wouldn't mind entertaining the children for some hours out of a day (if my house was an even mildly appropriate place for them to stay at, they could do that, too) to give you some peace. Or at least giving you some grown-up companionship while taking them out.

And I'm also a good venting partner (if that is allowed). More on that later . . .

Ms. Sis said...

thank you! I appreciate it!