YAY for electricity!

Just wanted to mention that we now have our power back, and are no longer frozen and huddled in front of the fireplace with our frozen goods buried outside in the snow. So tonight I am thankful for the hardworking folks who have been all over the place trying to restore electricity. Thanks to them for getting to our neighborhood today!

Just when you thought the worst was over..

So I woke up yesterday all ready to at least get started on my list of twenty things to do... (See previous post) I head to the bathroom, flick the light switch- no light. Now we have weird electrical stuff in our house that causes strange things to happen with light bulbs, so at first I was just irritated about having to replace light bulbs.... As I g through the rest of the house I notice everything is off- no time in the microwave, no kids at the Xbox, no tv droning. At first, I wasn't too upset- usually we may be without for an hour or so, I hoped this would be one of those situations. When I realized that meant I had no internet I was a little more upset, but I pulled it together. That is what grown folks do.

Hours passed. No electricity. I buried our frozen food in plastic bags in the backyard snow. Being stocked with food isn't so helpful when you can't use the oven, the microwave or a burner. No information about why there was no power or when we would get some. It got dark. We read Harry Potter 7 by the fire light. We were bored, cold and only slightly full from PB & J, the only logical thing left to do was to bundle up, fall asleep, and hope that waking in the morning would usher in a new day with electricity.

The plan failed.
First off Ekela and I woke up only to realize it was merely 11pm and even colder since we had let the fire die out so it wouldn't be going while we slept. We restarted the fire to warm up and read more Harry Potter to each other. Altogether we read 100pp of the book yesterday during both of our stints. On the plus side I can at least say that we read scary stories. The Deathly Hallows is pretty grim. At about 2am we let the fire die down and went back to sleep, cause we knew we had to get up early for our dentist appointments today. Apparently snow doesn't deter the mailman, or our dentist.

Secondly we wake up at 7am and there is still no power! I am pretty sure it was colder in our house that it was outside. We layered our clothes and made the trek to the bus stop to get to the dentists as close to 8:30 as we could muster with the buses being inconsistent. I figured that since we saw PGE crews in our neighborhood, we would come home to power, and life would resume in a fairly normal way for our family of four suffering from varying degrees of cabin fever. We get home and our block looks as unlit as it did when we left.

No updates, no new info on the power outage. I have officially cancelled Christmas at my house. (I am not a big holiday person anyway, so I have been trying to avoid the added consumerism of the season for years, and now I finally get my wish I guess.) Please let the power return so that I can boil water and eat a cup o noodle. These are the things I wish for, the simple pleasures. I have enjoyed the tv and screens being off throughout the house though, yay for quality family time, but once it gets dark there is only so much you can really do by candlelight without being a fire hazard.

List of things I am going to do... starting tomorrow.

I realize that the snow is attempting to put me into a state of hibernation and lethargy. However, in order to be proactive, I am going to make a list of things that I will work on if I am snowed in AGAIN tomorrow, and/or other days throughout the week(s). This "not having a plan" method has meant a lot of ennui and slackerdom, and while that is cool for a day (or possibly two or three) something must be done.

This list will consist of things that are both indoor and outdoor, so that there is no excuse for me to not do at least some of the items each day of frozen-ness.

1. Go to the store- I have groceries so we will survive, but this will be a step in making other things on this list possible.

2. Bake some stuff- I have a cookie/baking cookbook and I am going to pick a couple things out of it and make them.

3. Do an art project(s)

4. Train my cat to do a trick.

5. Play drums only on hard in Rock Band.

6. Snow photo shoot part II

7. Write letters. (Even better, mail out the cards I meant to mail back in September to folks I saw during August in California!)

8. Alphabetize my roommate's 1000 or so comic books.

9. Catalogue my five shelves of books.

10. Make a costume for my cat and have a tea party.

11. Tell a scary story while illuminating only part of my face with a flashlight.

12. E-mail 20 people personalized notes to see how long it takes folks to get back to me.

13. Call at least 5 family members and wish them happy holidays.

14. Walk someplace where I can get drink and maybe try my luck at a game of video gambling in hopes of striking it rich.

15. See if a bus ever comes and go downtown to take pictures of Portland Winter Wonderland.

16. Make a snow day zine with the kids.

17. Sew some of the curtains that I have been meaning to finish.

18. Request 20 more friends via myspace and/or faccebook.

19. Experiment in Garage Band and make a tune or at least record an acapella poem or something.

20. Make a movie using my digital camera that has a video feature.

Well, I'd better make sure and get some rest since I am exhausted from all this barely doing anything business. Let's see what tomorrow will bring! I will keep the blog world informed of my progress!

In the Wake of Proposition 8

Travelling through facebook I happened across a discussion started by Damali Ayo regarding interviews with Sean Penn and Josh Brolin on Charlie Rose and some problematic things that the actors said. Conversation threads also included race and religion's impact on the outcome in the voting on Prop 8 in California. In the interview (which I just watched online), Brolin said he was researching voting and demographics after the vote on the proposition and then spoke about African American and Latino voters impact. As if they were the main factor, as if race and sexuality are mutually exclusive and people of color aren't part of the GLBTQ community and its activism, and as if he is somehow in an intellectual position to speak about communities of color while not bothering to address white homophobia.

Needless to say it sparked interesting responses.

Issues of human rights and access are serious, and it frightens me that more aren't outraged by the reality of the implications of legalized and voter approved discrimination. So I wrote something in response to the topic and I thought that I would also post it here too, because more than ever we must speak out on that which is unjust. Silence is complicity.

Here's what I posted:

I think we need to analyze the proposition press feedback on the level of its intentions: division and deception. By placing blame on folks of color, and stereotyping them as church going homophobes, it erases culpability of the white heterosexist patriarchy. This same so-called democracy which says church and state are supposedly separate, yet through extensive campaign investment a specific religious org. (Mormon leadership based out of state) was able to influence taking away people's rights. If the only argument against something is "religious" based, that alone should render it null and void if state and religion are separate.

And in regards to the Bible and Jesus, what is written and followed and preached and absorbed, is filtered through a King who clearly wouldn't be inclined to nurture rebellion and disobedience and instructed translators to make the appropriate adjustments and omissions. They even erased Jesus' melanin! So we cannot blindly assume the text truly represents accurately the teachings of the visionaries, revolutionaries, historians, teachers, and community leaders who inspire people throughout time to rise up against oppression and be better people.

The inner and outward aspects revolution are ancient. The personal transformation internally into higher states of consciousness and awareness so we can impact more positively our circles/communities and the wider world. And the external aspects of challenging individuals and the systems of greed, industry and systems of power, which are designed to privilege the few over the needs and rights of the masses of people.

With all that said, this should be a wake up call where disenfranchised folks from various communities are reminded that more than ever our solidarity and unity based on mutual respect for each other's inalienable human rights is where we will find our strength.

"If they come for us at night, they will come for you in the morning."

One aim, one struggle- for human rights and self-determination, and a healthy planet.

Barbershop Adventure

I cut my own hair sometimes. I figure why wait on an appointment, when I can handle it myself?! Sure it is near impossible to hold a mirror in one hand and clippers in the other while contorting your body for a better view, but I do it anyway. I can be pissed off and powerful, command the change I want to see in my hair in minutes, all with mixed results. The grip slips. A muscle twitches. A blade is held too close. One acquires an imperfect cut, but the scruffy excess length is gone, buying more days of tolerance.

But Friday I did something bold, and different. I walked into the spot I have known of for years but never before entered, the barbershop near campus, on a Friday and there are no appointments taken, only walk ins. I am 5th in line, not counting the brother in the chair. I have other things to do but determination kicks in and I decide to sit and wait. The mission: to undo the havoc I have wreaked upon my hair, which didn't really "grow out in a week".

A world of men cycling through a transformation before the weekend gets started. Several are former students of mine from various classes, only one other person has never been there before like me. He came with a friend. The crowd grows. Some walk out, only to lose their spot in the rotation of folks making their way in and out of the chair. Men come in a little rough on the edges, a bit unkempt then after some time under P's skillful hands they come out polished. Scraping out the features of their faces, with the subtle shaping of chops, the crisp line of a fade, the definition in a goattee that frames the chin, he sculpts them anew.

Fascinating.

The topic hovers around sports. And I am fairly disinterested in sports, and talk of sports, and the athletes that are involved in the sports everybody talks about. YAWN! But this was a study in masculine space in one of its purest forms, rooted in folks (predominately Black and folks of color) congregating. Which was probably why I stayed, even though I knew it would be well over an hour before I got in the chair. THIS is where we are! How could I walk out on a predominately Black hang out spot where folks were shooting the sh@$ while biding their time. And the satellite radio mix was playing an hour of straight Prince cuts, so I was in no hurry to leave. You know I love me some Prince. I felt like I was home, in the sense of home being wherever family happens to be at.

I didn't waste time being other than myself, but I was really flattered when the guys made it clear that they were on better behavior due to my presence. I assured them that I had seen and heard it all before, but they were totally respectful. Luckily the man-with-the-million and one-ways-to-fade remembered me from events on campus. Generally he doesn't cut women's hair except in a few scenarios- his wife, a sister on the b-ball team, and today me.

I assure him that I just want him to line me up and perhaps trim off some length on the top. Then I give him the space to do what he does for a living, he's the expert. With the lines of people waiting on his skill, and as a witness, I am a believer. More arrive while I am in the chair, so I am clearly not alone. I am the newcomer to this shop. A space tied to generations of tradition. A cool way to spend an afternoon, not to mention he did a fantastic job.

portland... portland... where for art thou portland?

A letter to my city:

Portland, I don't understand you.

I throw you a FREE, all-ages hip-hop show, at a centrally located space, at a respectable hour even, with great performers and where are you? Several dozen people (who were amazing and clearly made a good choice on how to spend their evening) rolled through- but where were you city?

People said it was the rain... This is Portland! If we are going to use rain as a reason to not do anything, we might as well not bother ever leaving the house. This is the wetlands, rain is always a 50/50 possibility at the least in a town like this. Isn't Seattle the ONLY city with more precipitation?! (This is a guess, I have not consulted any official sources on this one yet.) We aren't in some desert city and the rain is so out of the ordinary that everything shuts down, i mean it wasn't a snow day or something!

Luckily the super cool people made it. Some former students (not surprisingly students who did well and clearly have good heads on their shoulders, cause they knew the show Walidah and I put on was the place to be. Thank you Francisco and Grace and Alex). Some co-workers with arts education that I work with made it after long days of youth work. (Greg, I know it wasn't easy getting out after a rough day. And two of them even brought some of their youth groups with them! YAY Mareya and BeUtee! Cause the young people were a blast to have there! We even gave them CDs and t-shirts as momentos cause their energy was so on point and they were so excited. Way to represent United Voices and HB LEE!) Some people even crawled out of the 503 woodwork, friends who I haven't seen in ages brought friends and/or family which was great, so great in fact I even hung out with an old buddy i hadn't seen in years after for a couple of hours, and you know how I don't always go that post event social route these days. (Great to kick it Ken, more of that! Darlene how do you manage to get more beautiful every time I see you? Deena, you never cease to amaze me either and you are one of my inspirations, i mean how many times have we held it down on a dance floor in this town?) And, I even met some new cool people last night too. (yay to the new folks!)

But, if you weren't there, where were you?

I feel like Daffy Duck in those scenes when he would be competing with Bugs for crowd appreciation, only to get the sound of crickets and no applause. So finally, desperately he pulls his (literally) end all beat all stunt/trick out of the hat and combusts or something. Then as his animated ghost self is rising from the stage he hears what he has longed for... a room full of adulation and a standing ovation. I am no Daffy Duck, nor am I planning some suicidal poetic moment, nor am I saying that I personally want to be the center of the city's attention. I am just saying that I understand how Daffy felt, all charred and covered in the scent of smoke just wanting folks to appreciate.

Portland, you have almost a million people, and I just wanted to see like 200-250. Why hast thou forsaken me? For over a decade I have bent over backwards like a contortionist attempting the difficult task of getting folks from around the country, as well as other points on the globe, to bring themselves here for the benefit of Portlanders. Tried so hard to make this a place people also consider on their tours, rather than just bouncing from Seattle to the Bay. Walidah, myself, and countless other local artists have put our blood sweat and tears into helping make this city more artistically endowed, through our performances as well as by bringing others into the NW to share stages. For the show last night, Walidah and I did the most advertising, most e-mailing, most texting, most flyer distro, most word of mouth with the longest amount of lead time, and still it was not enough!

Portland, I will continue to live here, until I move somewhere else, but I am truly disappointed in you. Yes, I will still perform and teach- but it will be awhile before I attempt to organize another tour for out of town folks here, or even organize a local event (unless it is youth specific with the organizations I work with).

Eugene, I expect you will do better this evening. Seattle, you proved yourself beyond worthy of receiving talent both local and national at Ladies First. But Portland, I can no longer recommend you, as a city, to my artist friends. The next time I will just have a house party concert and invite only the cool people, (like those I mentioned above) and not everyone via several mediums. So then afterwards, those 999,900 people who flaked, only to realize or hear later what they missed, can at the least have the valid excuse of not being invited.

Portland, when all your artists get salty and flee leaving this "sustainable" town with less vibrance and personality, where will you be? You will have your amazing public transportation, but no evening performances of independent hip-hop. You will have your green trees and scenic rivers, but no painters or photographers to show that beauty to the world. You will have your space age looking tram, but no poets. Your unemployment will continue to rise, your children will continue to have the shortest school-year in the country, but what will folks do in their free time if the artists flee and no longer provide affordable ways to spend a day? The rain will still fall, the sun will still rise and set, the buildings downtown will still refuse to match- and what will the city be without its heart?

Because I am a loving artist, I will give this town another chance to prove itself.
Two in fact, so don't let me down! The future of the city depends on it, cause if the good sista is salty and gets past the point of forgiveness, what then? Bad Sista squared? Only smack downs with no hugs and support to make the pain fade faster? Portland, I have put up with you for 14 years, and what have i asked for beyond what I have been given? I asked for health benefits, you denied me. I asked for an income that was livable, no luck with that. I asked for more diverse demographics and you seem hell-bent on pushing brown folks outside of your borders into gresham and beaverton and points further out. I asked for attendance at an event, that is FREE, and yet you don't send me your masses, your tired of whack radio so called "hip-hop" who yearn to be set free.

Don't make me lay down my poetic torch and stop sharing the light of local and national artists with yall. Represent, so I can speak highly of you again. Please don't be that person messing it up for everybody else!
Bring yourself to the following and i will forgive you, yet again:

Fri., Nov. 14th, 2008
Screening of the independent film Machetero
7 p.m.
www.machetero-movie.com
starring Not4Prophet from X-Vandals
Laughing Horse Bookstore
12 NE 10th Ave
Portland
Screening will be followed by Q&A with Not4Prophet and Director Vagabond.
HELLO! We brought you the director AND the lead actor of the film!

Nov. 15th, 2008
Mic Crenshaw's CD Release
8 p.m.
Blue Monk
3341 SW Belmont
Portland
Cost TBA
Featuring: Mic Crenshaw, Hungry Mob, X-Vandals, DJ Gen.Erik, Good Sista/Bad Sista, and more
It's Mic fricken Crenshaw. He's releasing his solo CD, and X-vandals will be supporting it all the way from the east coast! What reason could you possibly have for not coming!? Or atleast telling a friend to come? (If you have an emergency, illness or otherwise valid excuse for not being able to attend, like you live in Baltimore or Connecticut.)

Otherwise,
I expect to see you there!

What next?

For me these questions are often related to work and location.

What job next? What method of making a dollar out of 15 cents?
and other ridiculous daily obsessions...
Career... Should I get a PhD and prep further for academia?
Or head on the road with a backpack and places circled on a map?
What city will I live in next? One I've lived in before? Why?
Do i travel internationally? Where?
Do I wait til the kids finish high school? Do I leave sooner?

And, if i manage to keep my mind from imploding,
how do i keep it in tact and avoid that eventual outcome?
I have a lot of love for people in my geography, the community, family, classrooms, and circles, but this town drives me crazy!

And it is like one of those twilight zone episodes or a gory movie, where initially everything seems perfectly normal for everyone. All picket fence, suburban, nostalgia of the yesteryear that never was with some goofy kid whistling through the credits skipping stones on a pond, or dropping off newspapers on his bike route.

Then, BAM!

The next thing you know, the whole town has turned into zombies/vampires/werewolves/demons/ bodysnatchers/evil alien spawning vessels,
and you're the odd person out.

Not that I am saying that Portland is full of mythic beings featured in ancient legends and pop culture mythologies... but rather that there is that similar calm before the storm. That, can't quite put my finger on it, piece of litter rustling down the street on the wind with enough volume to remind you there is a disturbing absence of other sound or movement form living creatures. I hear the harsh whisper in the shadows saying, "Get Out!" Or maybe it is more like a screaming, "Run! Run! Get the %^@! out of here before you can't escape!" Neither voice encourages me to remain here for too many more years.
Which brings me full circle...

What next?
I am interested in suggestions/ recommendations/ and advice.

Inter-racial dating, thoughts and auto-biographical info

I don’t think I ever wrote about my takes on interracial dating dynamics- and a friend's blog has made we want to give that topic some representation on my blog for some time...

as a product of an interracial marriage that was initially shunned on both sides I have a clear awareness of the potential disruption possible. Here are some of my insights:

MY EXPERIENCES WITH FAMILY
- Mom’s side aka the “white” side of the family
My mom’s brother threatened my dad with a shotgun and, my mom’s teenaged sisters were banned from attending the wedding by their father/the family patriarch. My great grandma Emma, (who my mother was named after and my daughter is named after both) was the only one who came from my mom’s side. She visited with us too throughout. My mom’s uncle wouldn’t look at my brother when he was born cause he thought he was going to be spotted or striped. We were generally outcasted and opted out of contact with a lot of that side of the family for years.

I put “white” in quotes because that may be a temporary condition in a lot of ways. My youngest aunt married and had a child by a Black man. The middle sister married/ divorced an Irish man and then her only daughter has a toddler- a mixed daughter by a Black (and possibly part Native American) man. Then there is me, my mother’s only living child. Then there’s my uncle, the eldest sibling, whose two oldest daughters are fully white, but whose youngest two youngest daughters, from a later marriage, are half Native American. So brown is definitely winning out with the young generation if we continue to choose melanin possessing mates….

- Dad’s side aka the “Black” side of the family
They weren’t initially exuberant about my Dad marrying a white woman. My great grandma Baby sewed the wedding dress extra large insinuating it must be a question of taking responsibility for a pregnancy and not “love”. (My mom wasn’t pregnant btw.) I talk with my Dad’s cousin about how that was to see her brothers and male cousins choose to be with white women almost exclusively. However my grandparents and the preceding generations might have felt about their children’s choices in regards to partners, they loved us grandchildren and didn’t disrespect our mothers, at least not in our presence. My Dad’s family loved my mother, and they still do. They never disrespected us or treated us in any off way, because of our mixed heritage. But they also had the history of violence around inter-racial relationships, whether assumed or real, in their lifetimes. So there is just a lot of general fear that must be accounted for when folks have been getting lynched in the name of insuring that the mere thought of dating a white woman, or the accusation of anything related to a white woman whether real, imagined, or falsely stated equaled death.

I put “Black” in quotes, because a large percentage of this side of my family have chosen to have children with white women and men. Myself (1/2), my children (3/4 Black) and my youngest sister (my dad was remarried to and then divorced a Black woman from Nigeria) are the exceptions. All the cousins in my generation are mixed like me then they had children by white men/women, so did my aunt… so depending on how the teens and youth decide to choose their partners we may see an erasure of melanin throughout many branches.

MY EXPERIENCE WITH DATING
It is not easy being a black woman. I am bi-racial, but I generally identify as Black as a political choice. If your female mate, as defined by patriarchal assumptions and accepted blindly and intentionally by many, is supposed to be a trophy, a sign of prestige and status- then stuff is stacked WAY against Black women. We’ve been described as the antithesis of feminine in past ideals of submissiveness, dependence, and working solely in the home compared to our realities of working outside of the home since our forced arrival and having to be fiercely strong to sustain self and others in order to survive. Prevailing beauty myths, standards and narrow boxes of what is widely perceived and accepted as beautiful, also don’t really support Black women. Couple that with being outnumbered drastically in a city like Portland, and it makes for tough travels.

Most white men I dated (high school early college) did not usually invite me to meet their parents and often were not pursuing a “relationship” in any way, with one exception, 2 if you count my 5th grade boyfriend who I used to ride dirt bikes with and we held hands like once- he was actually my longest relationship with a white male, I think it was 6 months. I basically stopped “seeing” white men fairly young and once I had options, then I really haven’t been inclined in that direction.

Other men of color that I “kicked it” with (Asian, Mexican, Native American) were basically more “encounters” where they were friends/acquaintances that wanted to kick it for a few days, or a week, as more than friends, but with no real intention of a “relationship”. So the meeting the parents question doesn’t really fit here, but clearly also rare.

Black men- surely different drama accompanies every relationship, but the majority of actual relationships, whether “seeing” somebody, or longer-term have been with black men. I am most likely to have met their parents/ families and hung out with their friends as well.

Now when it comes to art, organizing and work, I have really quality working friendship relationships across the board with men and women of all backgrounds. Of course not all of them are perfect or fabulous, but there are a lot of quality examples, which prove coalition is possible and well worth the effort with women and men of all walks. But in regards to inter-racial intimate relationships, my experience shows that the hierarchy which places white women on the top of the hetero-normative marriage material top spot and black women in the bottom slot, is alive and well and really F@#*& up.

School's back in session

Months continue to slip by faster, measured in recurring bills as well as days risen and set.
Already October, autumn., the approaching of winter is imminent.

My terms are starting and so my fall college course that i am co-teaching with Walidah started this week, and I'm already beginning visits to elementary and middle schools. It rained on me in transit today as a reminder that winter is coming and while the temperature will go down, my workload will pick up with speed.

Luckily 200 5th-7th graders kept me company earlier today, when I performed for an assembly. That always cheers me up. Doing assemblies and performances with musicians are the two forms of my art that still produce stage nerves. I think that is why I like them so much, and get so anxious. Knowing I am responsible for keeping the attention of a room packed with people, forces you to bring it up a notch. I try to let my funny shine when I can and to better commit to being either silly or serious or whatever expression that fits. It is easy to script and decide, 'when i get to this part i will do this...' but it is far different to actually do it when their is a crowd watching. Being vulnerable and real and entertaining and deep and clear with your words... while simultaneously trying not to fidget or engage in randomly distracting behavior or say "umm" too much or forget where you are, or go over time... It is a lot to have to do at once and to do it best you really have to let go of self while also being your most actualized self. I really need to start recording it so that I can really pull them apart. While in the midst of performing the world is an ethereal place, it is recognizable and the basic physics apply, yet is uniquely its own time and space continuum.

The energy of young people will be my sunshine in the coming months. I pray the world won't dull their brightness, squash their dreams or otherwise discourage their potential. The children should not continue to inherit larger messes and greater debt. What would the world look like free?

No longer "Poetry Off the Page"?!?!

I am just going to start with the real.
What the ----?!

I go to show my friend my website, I type in the address, only my page doesn't load. Instead some other page loads with a bunch of crap-tacular ads for those places you have to enter in your information in order to get more information that perhaps you should really be able to get for free. UGH!!!!! AND there on the bottom are the words trademark 2008. Now I have been using that name forever, sure others have used it- but i owned the .com address for years! Since 2000 or earlier, and I have been using that name even longer to title events i hosted. I was sooooo pissed! I had missed the takeover of my domain name because when I build my website I work through an application to update and then I publish, but the .com address was still the "entry" page so the name stays simple and consistent.

I am no longer "that" .com and I feel like a part of me has been appropriated. It hurt. I mean "that" website was still part of my e-mail signature (until this morning), so I have been sending folks there! UGH to the nth power!

Then there was a moment of clarity- I am an artist, a creative spirit with an amazing repertoire able to leap hurdles in a single bound and this can serve as a turning point, a step into the new, a welcoming of the next level of me.

Damn those ------- -------- for jacking my site! How long has this been going on! Scandalous! Scandalous!

But I shall bounce back from this small setback, and turn chaos into lemonade,
...that cool refreshing drink.
So HA!

I will let you know the new site name once i have it routed, but for now you can get there through: www.GoodSistaBadSista.com
Check it out, I updated it today!

See the hostile take-over of my domain name inspired cool updates!
Take that Domain Snatchers! My website is way cooler!

Dreams of Mother

I don't want to wake to a world heavy with her absence
After riding bikes together in REM states, showing her my neighborhood
Stopping for a bite to eat, holding her hand in mine
She seems to smile often, while I hold in tears
cause sleep is a temporary condition and eventually I must rise
even if the shine of the world rubs of with the slightest touch of consciousness
as daylight highlights what is missing, even though I try to camouflage my grief
bury it under the stress of financial struggle, constancy of being busy

But eventually a body in motion must rest, so I meet her in dreams
where everything is tainted with the impossibility and logic of the subconscious
there she is eternally in her early forties, even though I am well past graduation
my age consistent with reality and hers tied to memories before things started to turn
I am always on a mission, attempting to return her to California
the place she considered home, amongst the sand and salt water air
perhaps a place in my brain imagines that if I could get her there
we could start again and try a different path leading to longevity
where I pick up the phone to call and she still answers
where she lives only a half hour away by car on a Saturday trip
rather than the intangible distance of the spirit world I cannot grasp
where we share a smoke, reminisce and talk shit
where I address pictures form my trip to her so she can see her grandchildren
growing like weeds on the verge of adulthood

its hard to live in house with no memories of her presence
other than the altar I've created
so many friends and people in my current context who never really knew her
no one wants to visit a nursing home, let alone have to live there
and I miss being back home, where so many knew the woman I remember her as
healthy, vibrant, empathetic, beautiful, amazing, hardworking and determined
and part of me longs for California, more than my own love of the ocean
it's every memory that we had there, that starts to blur with time
this state wasn't a first choice for either of us, but family and necessity drew us in

My alarm goes off as the sun rises steadily above the horizon
but how do I make myself get up early when the only time I see her is in my dreams?

Working it Out

I have been diligently paying for a gym membership for probably 3 years (they auto withdraw every month). Yet, I can count the times I have actually used that membership using my fingers and toes. Sad- but true. Originally I signed up because my sister Beth was a personal trainer for a hot minute and I wanted to support her, and we were going to work out all the time together. But she only worked there a few months and then eventually she moved back towards her home town and my gym ambitions left with her.

Then something amazing happened... while I was in California staying for a couple of days at a really nice hotel in SF my kids convinced me to go to the gym with them, and I liked it. Mind you, they only had a couple of treadmills and some hand weights and stair climbers, but that made it less intimidating. It became obvious to me that there was no reason for me to be such a slacker and not use my membership... so this past week I began going to the gym! YAY me! And even more importantly- I LIKED IT! I think that having an mp3 player with some really good playlists helps out cause I can tune out all the other folks in the gym, which is nice.

Sure, part of me is freaking out about having "free time" which translates into "not enough work yet to pay all my bills since I decided to take a stand and not teach a ton of university classes if they weren't going to meet my basic needs." So I may be broke and currently underemployed, but give me a few months and I am gonna be in way better shape. Can you put a price on that?

Thoughts on Election

This started as a response to a friend's blog, otherwise I might not have written on the topic...

I am conflicted.



I want to believe that people are really excited about the possibility of a man of color being president, and not just because it sounds like the right thing to say or because it is the new era replacement for "and my best friend in middle school was _________." (insert ethnicity here) I want to believe that white people are equally as tired of racism as an institution and want to see it topple so we can all lead more fully actualized lives. I also want to believe that if elected he will still live a long healthy life.


I am trying not to dwell on the historic connotations of oppression and how it has played out through white female vs. black male archetypes and factions that have succeeded in leading to disunity when unified fronts could have made all the difference- see suffrage movement, the 60's, labor unions... It seems too obvious that it would again be the classic choice of man of color or white woman. Will a white woman willingly work against white privilege and institutionalized racism? Will a man of color work against institutionalized sexism and the violence of wars inside and outside our borders, within institutions as well as within households? 
History doesn't have to repeat itself if we have understanding, right? And we could all understand and work harder, couldn't we?



I also realize that if he is elected, he also brings 3 women of color with him- and the 1st lady and children of presidents also come into wider avenues of outreach, so what work could they do as a family, with access to power on an institutional level if they really forwarded an agenda for the people?!!!!
I see potential... 

That could be so amazing if just a big enough ripple of energy spread to really get things moving in the right direction. 



Power is a Mutha$(&! and doesn't like to give in willingly)- but could we change just enough to start a global snowball effect of goodness? It seems we have been on the cusp for so long it has to be on the verge. (Like the mountains of tokens in those games where you aim and drop in another coin hoping that the slider arm will push the pile of tokens over the edge. Sooooooo close...soooooo cloooose...



I want to be excited about all the new people registering to vote and caring about voting for the first time in ages. I want to be all about the potential of democracy- even though I know the mathematics of "majority" and that it can leave a lot of people unaccounted for, and that our system only labels itself such but actually exists as something quite different entirely. And we shouldn't ignore that the last two elections were fixed and made voting a moot point, (although I should be appreciative that I got to cast my vote unlike others.) But it doesn't have to be like this! Democracy could look the way we describe it, live the way it is theorized, be what we will it to be for the good of all the people, rather than a few of the people.

I want the world to be a better place. I want the United States to not be wicked. I want business to be ethical and resources to be shared and respected. I want an earth that lives and thrives.
 I want universal health care, an end to war and poverty, a reality of equality and justice and happiness, etc... etc...
I want to believe.


But the cynic in me nurses a lot of doubts.

Cali Ocean vs. Oregon Ocean

Granted, it is the Pacific no matter where you enter into the water, but there is a huge difference. I generally do not go into the water in the Northwest. I appreciate it from a distance where i do not get wet, cause that SH*@ is COLD! So while I have taken the kids to the beach many times over the years in the northwest, they have not seen me indulge in water play. And let me tell you my kids are water babies for sure (see the many pictures posted here from beach trips). Rain, hail, snow, those two will be submerged in the ebb of the waters frolicking and joyous. So yesterday marked a turning point, cause i was right in there with them. LOVIN IT! See pictures under my summer 2008 cali folder for evidence.

Not to scare my NW peeps, but being back home (cause even thoug I have been in Oregon a LOOOOOOONG time, Cali will always be home to me) reminds me how much i long to come back. I miss being walking/ biking distance from the beach, i miss the milder weather, i miss the scenery, sunsets over the ocean, you name it. Never fear I will be back soon to those who miss me and care, and am contracted to be there throughout the year, so I am not fleeing yet... but someday...

i promise i will write longer blogs when i am back in the NW, but for now the beach is calling me...

Taking it Way Back!

It is not super late, but I am super tired and about to go to sleep, but I had to take a quick minute to mention the amazing day I had today hanging out with 2 of my closest friends from high school, and then seeing an old friend who I hadn't seen since 2000. Yay! I don't see folks from back in the day very often, since I fled the scene of my my high school town after graduation without looking back too much. I have only returned to it a handful of times since my mother moved away back in the late 90's.

We had such a great time today and laughed and laughed, not to mention the rest of the day spent with my friends parents, who were one of my homes away from home but right down the street, and seeing my teens playing with my friends 4 year old daughter. We had a fabulous dinner and had a huge joke telling festival afterwards- all G rated of course!

I am not going to even try to put it into words at the moment- but in the immortal words of Ice Cube, "Today was a good day."

In Cali with my kids...

We have been on the road for a minute now- took the train from home to Cali to visit friends and family in California.We stayed with my dad's cousins outside of SF fo a few days, which was amazing to get to spend time. "G" is an emmy award winning videographer, and "R" used to work for NBC back in NY when I was little and now she has been focused on family, but she plays tennis, goes to the gym regular and looks so fabulous. They are such an inspiring couple, they have been together 30 years and I only know a few married couples with that kind of longevity and happiness. Back in the day when I was at San Francisco State, (pre kids) I used to go visit them and babysit their sons, who are now grown. One was gone to college orientation while we were in town, and the other has already graduated from Howard. I am so proud of them- their whole family. They are beautiful inside and out, and it is such a blessing to have family that you love and appreciate and are glad to spend time with, by choice.

I have been on a bit of a mission to take the kids to various sights that I felt would be cool things to do while in the Bay. So we met up with another cousin, my mom's youngest sister's only son "A" and he drove us out to Muir Woods where we walked through the redwoods. This was on my list because I used to go there with my ex-husband and it was one of teh spots that we had taken my son Eli when he was under two. He might have even been freshly walking then, now that I think of it, cause I remember holding his hand andhelping him along. So I really wanted to take the kids there to sort of walk down positive aspects of memory lane and also to be inspired by teh beauty and phenomena of the forest. It is so humbling to stand among giants. Then we stopped in Sausalito and walked along the boat docks checking out the view from teh other side of the Golden Gate.

Yesterday we trekked for about forever on the BART to go out to Concord, why you ask? WATERWORLD! No I am not talking about the crappy Kevin Costner vehicle of disaster... but this really cool water park! The kids said they really wanted to go to one, and there happened to be a brochure for this spot in teh train station so I figured what the heck! Talk about fun! What a great way to spend the day, sun water, rides... we laughed, we screamed, we swallowed chorinated water, we lounged, and we went the farthest I have ever travelled on a BART. Granted, when I lived in teh Bay, the BART did not go nearly as many stops as it does now... but it was definitely a trek.

Once we got back we headed to our hotel. Initially, I didn't think that we would be doing any hotel time... but sometimes unplanned things that come up can be happy accidents. Turns out R & G had to head to LA, and my sister in law in Oakland went out of town to Jamaica, so we were kinda stuck wothout a place to stay, my cousin "A" generously offered to house us, but I had already decided to do the hotel thang. Turns out to be one of the best things actually, cause now we are downtown SF in a Marriott branch hotel that is like 4 stars and easily accessible to all my field trips! There is an indoor pool, a fitness center (we all worked out last night at like 10) and a restaurant/bar (just had a couple of Car bombs during happy hour) and a fabulous view of the city below from teh 11th floor!

Today we did a whirlwind tourist adventure. We got a city pass that coers transportation on public buses, entrance into a bunch of museums and other attractions- so today we went to the SF Museum of Modern Art (I really don't get modern art in most cases. Some of that stuff was seriously just a line on a canvas, or some circles in differetn colors!) they were doing a special exhibit of Frida Kahlo though which was fricken amazing! I love her work, her story, her everything. It truly speaks to me. I hope that the visit will inspire the kids to pursue their art, cause Eli's photos are way better than some of the stuff they had in there, and EK can't paint the hell out of a canvas.

Our next stop was the Aquarium... I will just say that I grew up in Monterey which has one of the most amazing aquariums in teh world, so I wasn't super impressed- altho I did appreciate travelling through the tunnels and being more the center for the sealife to watch us. Then, we went on a one hour tour of the bay. Under the Golden Gate bridge and around Alcatraz. I was glad that they mentioned the history of the Chinese in America and how they were basically interned and interrogated before they were let through or returned, and the Chinese Exclusion Act. They also talked about how Native Americans took over Alcatraz for a period of time. Most of the tour audio was wack- but those two points were the most interesting and relevant to me. Let's not forget that white folks stole this land and then had the nerve to try to decide who could and couldn't immigrate here.

Tomorrow we will head to the Asian art museum and maybe another art museum in Golden Gate Park (probaly only EK will stay tough and do both, Eli is kind of tired of my intensity. But I am glad that we are getting to see a lot of the city, and I also realize that they are getting to that age, where maybe next year they aren't gonna want to hang out with me at all on this degree of an excursion. SO I give thanks for our blessings and for the goal of quality time with my children. I am seeing SF in a way that I never explored when I lived here.

And did I mention all the beautiful brown people? I have seen so many incredible Asian folks, Natgive American bothers and sisters, international peoples from all over the world aswell as Black folks and it reminds me of all the things I miss about the Bay and why I loved being here. Soon I will have to return home,but this has reminded me of the world outside of my current home and my desire to move on and ou of teh Northwest once the kids go to college. I think taht it is also opening their eyes to the possibility of moving outside of their hom comfort zone to explore the world too. YAY! My daughter says she wants to go to Stanford. My son has been insired to get his grades up so he can maybe get out and see soem new things to through college. So it is worth every penny, every sibling argument, and what not.

Until next time, Signing off...

Where Do I Start?

Summer camp work was fantastic! Yay for youth art outdoor camps! Great to see old friends, children who are now young adults exploring the arts and nature in a beautiful area. We (4 groups of about 10 students) made zines in a week, and each took 2 home of our creations. That felt really good.

I've made some bold choices about the upcoming school year work cycle. Really looking forward to all the possibilities. Barely touched back in town and already the time comes to drift off again. Taking my son and daughter back to my hometown, checking in on some friends and family along the way. The excitement is already brewing as one by one people check in and let me know whether or not they will be around. Looks like several people will come through and then the journey will unfold as people are available and inclined. I am staying with folks who truly love me and who have known me for most of my life. I can't wait to see them! Friends from high school, in-laws (of the ex), family I haven't seen since way back... lovely.

I sort of want to take the kids on a tour of my middle school and high school towns. Show them what I used to do, and share stories. Take them riding along the beach bike paths. I will miss my current town, cause the weather is piping hot goodness, but i am so looking forward to a change in scenery. I hope that it will inspire the kids. I need to take some time and just hang out with them, doing fun stuff. Things they will remember, things that will get them thinking about where they might want to head. I always learned a lot by being at the ocean. I want them to have that every day experience of sand and sunset.

I do not know how much technology i will travel with, but I will try to post pics and blogs if I can.

If I could get paid to be a pretend Rock Star

I would have hundreds of thousands of fans, a tour bus, a private jet and travel the world with my now all girl band, the Rusty Kittens. We aren't playing around here, we are dedicated. We put in like 8 hours on a Sunday afternoon- cause we got heart, we're hungry and determined. Today was my big debut as drummer- I did pretty well if I don't say so myself. Walidah played vocals and guitar switching with Ekela to add some variety.

If we keep this up... you might just see us at the local coffee shop, with real instruments doing the damn thing.

See, this is why I don't need time off- it's not like I do super constructive things like apply for grants, map out curriculum... I play video games and read teen fiction. So this is how the other half lives... I could get used to this! Way less stress than college professor-dom, sure beats cleaning house. I did cook an awesome dinner outdoor grill style today, so it wasn't like I didn't accomplish anything else. It was yummy. Fish and vegetables, garlic bread, seasoned potatoes- all cooked in foil on the grill. Oh and I watched some Smallville.

No, I take back what I said about not needing time off. I totally needed this- I almost never play and relax, during the school year and usually am all crazy during the summer doing a zillion things. Screw all of that! Good luck getting me back to work in September!!!!

Central Oregon Adventures

Today on my way back to Portland I am riding with my camp friend "Piper." He assists with the photography workshops and is a true inspiration at camp with his lovable quirkiness that is immediately endearing and inspiring. His personality and sense of style create spaces for youth to be unique and less confined by the rigorous notions of how we should do coolness and gender, which is so crucial to middle school and high school students who are bombarded with narrow definitions of humanity in general. I love that!

All year, he worked with my camp roomie Sister J. Rey on a project called "Hello Neighbor" in North Portland and Central Oregon. If you live in around those parts it is quite possible that you have seen the beautiful portrait banners hanging on sides of buildings or displayed in business windows. They are so beautiful. Youth photographed and interviewed members of their community, asking them a multitude of questions about their histories, their connection to the community and their dreams. A very powerful project, sparking all kinds of interest and dialogue.

So today we are taking the scenic route through the central Oregon cities, so Piper can photograph the banners in their display environments throughout Bend, Redmond, Terrebonne and Madras, and I am along for the ride checking out the towns I will work with next year through Caldera during the Year of Spoken Word. I am excited to see what I will help create with this year's project. Piper and Sister J. Rey have set the bar pretty high and I hope to do something equally impacting with the word.

I will try to post an album of Central Oregon shots in a folder soon, feel free to check them out! During July and August I am torn between missing home while I am at camp, and missing camp after I am gone…

Thanks for the ride Piper!

A Different Kind of Gamble

So I am at training for camp. For those who haven't been to summer camp in ages, or have never been there, let me set the stage. Imagine if you will…

The setting: wilderness and a clear blue lake far removed from the bustle of the city. The nearest town is a but a map speck, consisting of one main road sprinkled with small businesses which close down early in the evening. The main restaurant with a bar closed at 10pm on a Saturday. Phones don't call outside the area, unless you have a calling card or people who love you enough to accept collect. Cell phone reception is pretty impossible unless you stand on one foot, under just the right tree with the wind blowing in a northeastern direction. Wi-fi, do I need to elaborate on its nonexistence? Only one computer is set up with an internet connection for about 40 staff, so you can just guess how available that is.

The rules (or at least a few key ones): No fraternizing, no drinking, and no smoking.

The people: Well of course there is clearly a wide variety of participants. People who genuinely care about youth but don't necessarily have tons in common beyond that and the fact that we are all together for a huge chunk of our summers. And let's be real, while we are all amazing (seriously the staff and volunteers this year are such an incredible crew), that doesn't mean we aren't a bit odd. I mean, we willingly chose to come way out here to work with teens in bum$%* Oregon, and we like it. Nothing wrong with that, it is a testament to our passion for youth work, the future, the arts, the natural environment, etc… but it does point to the fact that chances are high that we are not quite like the general population. We are a quirky bunch.

The result: New and interesting forms of entertainment. And that my friends is what I want to tell you about, but I didn't think any one would be able to understand without first knowing the circumstances.

So here is a little game we play- now when I say we I by no means am referring to the bulk of the staff, maybe like 20%. You've heard of poker most likely, its nothing new- but what makes it crazy is what we gamble and put on the line. It can't be a drinking contest, it can't be about stripping, and well no one brings a bunch of money out here cause there's really no point in that. So we gamble with what makes sense and it looks a lot like double dog dares.

Before he cards are dealt everyone antes up with a task on the line. For example, if you lose or fold you have to take 2 drops of tobasco on the tongue. If you are willing to take that risk, you are in and get dealt a hand. Then people raise the stakes as we go around the circle, someone might add in eating a couple shakes of salt, licking the bench, putting your hands in the compost, smelling everyone's left shoe, holding a wad of dirt in your mouth, wet willies, and so on. It teaches you a lot about your own limits as wells as those of others at the table.

So, of course I played, it is a tradition amongst some of my closest camp comrades- which must say a lot about me, if birds of a feather flock together. Today I ate a burnt up wood remnant from the campfire, licked bark dust, sprinkled cayenne pepper on my tongue ate salt, sniffed 7 people's shoes, licked the stair railing, pulled a couple of hairs from my head for my comrades to eat (hee hee), took a deep wiff of kitty litter smelling compost and tomorrow will have to spend a couple of hours with honey on my eyelids. And while many of those things were unpleasant, there were worst things that I opted out of by folding, and even more nasty stuff that others had to do since I was fortunate enough to have several decent hands. Why take the risk? Cause it is soooooo funny to watch others do stupid stuff and to have the ability to input on what that stupid stuff has to be. I mean, at least I didn't have to eat a piee of someone's hair or put ice down the front of my own pants like others did!

Clean adult recreation at its finest!
Well I have to get to bed, cause campers come in the morning, although it clearly age is nothing but a number, cause these sort of antics must say something about our levels of maturity. I mean if your friend drank dirt water, would you?!

My answer: If your hand is good enough, you won't have to!

Dream World and Creations of the Subconscious Mind

So I have a really overactive imagination while dreaming or awake, but I thought that I would write about the latest dream, cause it was such an interesting mix of things. On one side it reminds me that I should really consider what I watch before going to bed and on the other how much is possible in REM states of consciousness.

So I never remember every detail of my dreams, but specific things leave powerful imprints that stay with me after the fact. So last night's creation was a combination of reality tv and a reality I wish for every day.

The silly: I was dropping off a miscellaneous dream friend at the Tila Tequila mansion, cause they were going to be on the show. Tila saw me and decided that I should also be on the show. It looked nothing like the spot on tv, it was instead a pretty regular house, except there were lots of people trying to decide what room they were going to stay in. I worried that I would be like the woman she chose this season all undecided, since I wasn't really sure that she was my type.

The serious: I don't know if it was a continuation or separate, but my mom shows up in the dream. My mom passed over a year and a half ago (wow that is crazy to type- it doesn't seem like it has been that long yet it seems like an eternity since I saw her at the same time). She was basically paralyzed from the waist down for the last several years of her life and in a nursing home. However, in my dreams she is making this steady progression back to her earlier abilities.

At first when I would dream about her, she would still be in a wheelchair, or somehow miraculously driving which was always a scary contradiction in my dreams where my mind would argue with itself thinking that she shouldn't be driving in her condition (she was a huge fan of driving cars with kick when she was able to do so.) And I would usually start bursting into tears in my dreams, mourning the fact that she was gone- which made dreaming about her really difficult for me upon waking, cause I felt exhausted like I had been really been crying and the sadness would linger all day if not for days plural.

But last night, or this morning, she was getting out of the wheelchair and slowly walking, as if she was regaining her strength and the ability to walk. And instead of being overly analytical and breaking myself out of the dream with my conscious knowledge, I was able to go with it and hang out with her. I am sure that as supportive as she was throughout my life, if in the dream she was hanging out with me outside of the Tila mansion and I had made the choice to enter the realm of reality t.v bi-sexual dating, she would have supported that as well, if I was serious about it. She was my number one fan as well as an amazing mom.

I went through a similar process after my great-grandmother, the other relative I was closest to in my life, when she passed when I was in high school. At first when I would dream about her, I would fracture the dream by realizing seeing her was impossible since she had passed. Then over time, I stopped denying the possibility and enjoyed our time talking and being together. I want to get to that place with my mother in the dream world. Gosh, I miss her so much. Maybe as time goes on we will be speeding cross country in a sporty car, without any fear of her driving skills being impaired- convertible top down, wind slapping our hair around while we listen to Maze singing Happy Feelings.

* Note to self: No more Tila before bedtime... although I do wish her and everyone else on the planet luck finding love. The world is often a cruel and lonely place to live.

If I could make one change...

Well, if I had some magical power to change something about the world there would be so many great places to start: World peace, equality, equal distribution of wealth amongst all the worlds inhabitants, ending hunger, the end of capitalism... as they say in improv "Yes, AND..."

Now, on a much smaller and lesser scale, If I could change one thing about the work that I do... (outside of the obvious making more money so i could be debt free- damn student loans!)... I would abolish paperwork! I freaking hate paperwork. SO I am "off" this summer. Translation: rather than working at 7 jobs I am only working on a couple. However, that does not erase the fact that every organization that I work with gave me stacks of paperwork to fill out for the 08/09 school year. Criminal background checks, W-9s, I 99s, contracts, fill in every blank and tell us all about yourself forms, evaluations, curriculums, rubrics... So today, I sat down and committed to finishing my last pile, at least I think it was the last. (Well, until I get another one.) Not to mention I have just begun the process of looking into getting grants to publish my manuscript, which involves... you guessed it! Paperwork! Woo Hoo!

So I am looking for someone who LOVES to do paperwork, ooh and grade college essays and tests, and compile contact info and lists in a database, do mailings... you know all the really fun stuff like that. As far fetched as that request may seem, it feels more probable than getting my first list of requests fulfilled.

Actually, I want to make an addendum. Even though I hate the dreary monotony and wasted time involved in filling out forms, IF doing paperwork could end 'isms, create socio-political- economic equality, create peace and provide a better planet for all- I would do it full-time for the rest of my life. Which doesn't mean that I would do a 180 and love paperwork, but obviously as irritating as triplicate forms are, it can not compare to the tragedy of the planet's plight. For the good of people and the children I would make that sacrifice, cause that is the kind of person I am.

Being a Mother is a lot about Incentives

Outside my window I hear the clinking sound of metal scraping against metal, my son scraping the BBQ grill clean- for a price. I've learned that when I want something done, teenagers react well to $$$. It makes sense, part of the natural growth of our relationship I am sure. When they were little, simple things worked. For example, I could say to my daughter, "Yes we can watch Little Mermaid for the umpteenth time , once you pick up your toys." Or I could tell her that "dessert is for those who eat all their dinner," to get her to eat a few more vegetables. I think that for my son actually money has always been the most effective incentive consistently. (He's a capricorn)

So now I can look around the house at work that needs done, and I can look at the balance of my checking account and what I can spare, and then with those two pieces of information I make an offer. It's a give and take. So before my daughter and I headed off to Costco the other day to stock up the cabinets for the month, I asked my son to clean out the fridge before I got back. He did a fantastic job actually and it was super helpful. My daughter did some weeding and gardening the other day, and of course they have regular chores and allowance.

I guess my point is that I am starting to adjust to this whole, "my kids are no loner 'kids' they are teenagers fairly well. I just got to keep enough cash in my wallet and be willing to ply board games to help entertain them during their months off from the institutions of middle and high school. Our kitten is glad to have us around most days as well, and the house is starting to stay pretty organized (comparatively speaking in relation to its previous status).

On a totally different note, I decided to take clippers to my own hair yesterday and gave my self a semi mo-hawk. I know that eventually it will mean I have to cut my hair even shorter when I have to go back to work come September, but I am ok with that. I am not saying that I did a brilliant job, but I cut my own hair with clippers! No plugs in the back or the sides to show slip ups, although it isn't perfectly even either...
"Why?" you ask. Simply because I could. And I love rubbing the back of my mostly bald head for relaxation, and I really wanted to reclaim my own hair and be responsible for the shearing myself. I have shaved my own head since junior high- It felt really good actually- and I wasn't having some weird melt down moment or anything, I was just doing something that I have wanted to d for a long time.
ACCOMPLISHED! Maybe i will bleach it and die it blue next... hmm....

Meetings

I am pretty sure that I have ranted in the past about a lot of things that irk me, but I really want to take a minute to complain about why I hate meetings and am frustrated that so many entities I work with consider them essential. I am talking about work/planning related meetings- not the "hey friend, lets hang out" meetings.

What every meeting should have:
1. Refreshments- Don't make me sit in a room bored out of my mind with nothing to eat, that is just wrong. I think that I am going to boycott all meetings without snacks in the future.

2. A clear point- this goes beyond the mere "agenda" (although there should be some semblance of one of those too). I don't want to be in a room and have to hear what was talked about at the last 5 meetings and is still only somewhat relevant to anything else going on.

2.5 Regarding an agenda- Everyone (excluding the people listed in 5) should have a say in what the meeting is about. Items on the agenda should be the most pertinent items. Tins f time shouldn't be spent on things NOT on the agenda, cause time is precious.

3. A solid "leader"- whoever facilitates a meeting should see 1 & 2 as a given and act accordingly. They should avoid lengthy name dropping sessions, vague plans and projects that are only relevant to their interests, and boring everyone out of their minds.

4. An hour is usually enough- I do not ever recall a meeting that was longer then an hour because it really needed to be. With 2 hours it seems that people get lax the first hour, try to get somewhere the next half hour and then the final half hour is a mad rush to feel like something was accomplished to justify the time.

5. Some people should not be invited to physically attend- I am talking bout the ramblers and random tangent people, the bad joke tellers, the people that feel their individual concerns deserve attention in a group setting when they are not relevant to the group and should be discussed in a different meeting with only the concerned parties. We all know who they are, they are always present at meetings making the time go more slowly and awkwardly. These people have e-mails, send them the minutes after the fact- it will be less that has to be typed and read because of their absence.

Guaranteed ways to make me like meetings more:
5. Pay me specifically for the meeting time, so each minute can be thought of as a specific amount of $. So at the 5 minute mark when I know what I am in for I can start doing the math of how much change I am getting per minute, after 10 minutes, etc...
granted it is better if the amount is a good amount, to justify the time- but if it isn't a lot of dough, atleast you can grumble about all the things you would have rather done without receiving meager compensation at all to fuel your growing resentment.

4. Send an e-mail instead- preferably clearly labeled in a way that directs it to my spam filter.

3. Meetings should take place at a restaurants or happy hour situations.

2. A slight inebriation that works its way into giddiness will take the edge off bad financial news, boring details, and the fact that you don't like everyone present.

1. Fire Dancers

defeated (temporary title)

defeated
written by Turiya

the product of my emotions, my love,
should be the one thing I can control
the how, the when, the why, the where, the who
but my love has a mind of her own
she breaks free from my heart and flies reckless
believing herself immortal and unscathed by defeat

my love is a trouble maker caught wet handed playing doctor
stitching wounds together with similes
her antiseptic tears sterilizing the emptiness
hoping distraction will hide the lack of anesthesia
and the depth of rejection wounds

she places everything on the line
an unlucky chronic gambler
wagering a pair is enough
to bring victory in a world of shadows
and unfair deals

my love is a foreigner in her homeland
exposed, inside out, mangled under the traffic of progress
unwanted, abandoned, left stranded
without proper luggage for the journey
and no spare dimes

my love fades like a whisper and forgotten memories
a face I thought I knew but no longer remember
an eastern horizon vanished
sweet optimism drowned in the wake
of being unable to return

my love wants what she cannot have
acts diplomatic while waging internal wars
impales herself on her own vulnerability
surrenders after barely fighting
unsure of what she believes

she’s wearing too small shoes
and dreams too large to carry
and everything unclaimed that wasn’t hers to begin with
unsure how to let go of anything
without losing herself

Reflecting on the School Year

I was sitting around on this sunny Sunday thinking about how, in a few weeks, the school year will end and I will actually have down time. YAY for me! Now there are still a few more engagements on my calendar, but most of my workshops and performances will wind down in the next week or two, and come mid June I will have submitted my grades for my college classes, and I am off for a lot of the summer- something I haven't done in years. Needless to say, I am excited about the prospect of summer off.

So, seeing as how I love math so much, I thought that I would try to figure out about how many students, that I have worked with/ performed for over the year, from Summer Camp until now. And surprisingly, the number was almost 3,000. Kinda crazy when you think about it really. That includes assemblies, workshops, university classes, etc... most were youth, however a small percentage of my offerings also included adults. This year I focused my work on schools rather than performing for grown ups, which was really rewarding for me but possibly sad for all the adults who were wondering when they would get to see me on the stage again.

Some people think I have dropped off or disappeared, but I have just entered into the school arena more. I prefer that for so many reasons, no smoky bars and drunken loud folks talking smack (not that every student is always sober, or that none of them smoke cigarettes...), no late nights... So instead I have worked with students from 11 specific k-12 schools, and through conferences and other happenings have also worked with students from countless other schools throughout the region. Pretty cool when I think about it actually, all those young minds under my influence for varying amounts of time. Don't worry, I am using my gifts for good, attempting to inspire and motivate folks through poetic verse and creative writing.

If this year's work was 3,000 I wonder what that number would look like if I could do the math for the last 10 years. I don't think that this year represents a higher number than previous years, especially ones where I performed more publicly, went on tour, went out of town more, etc... but let's just say that was the average. That would mean over 30,000 people, (which I think is a low estimate, since it doesn't account for touring or huge shows...)! Wow- watch out world. Each one teach one they say... I'm going for 100,000 or more! How's that for ambition!

I may not have a lot of grown up friends (cause I am a little bit of a homebody outside of work), but chances are high if you live in my town or nearby that someone you know who's in 4th/5th grade, middle school, or high school has seen me over the past few years. I had a couple of high school students in one workshop series this term who I had worked with back they were in elementary school.

So if you were to ask me what I was most proud of, other than obviously my two amazing children who I love dearly, I would have to say the scope of my work. See, I am not trying to take over the world, but helping empower the youth to be ready for the inevitable task of taking the reigns.

Spring Break or "Hail yes!" (it's an Oregon story)

So I decided to make time for a brief family retreat during Spring Break. There is an amazing inn that I stayed at, while at the coast in Fall doing a residency, that i fell in love with. I figured this would be a great excuse to return to my home away from home spot on the coast. (see my post "Inspired by my trip to the oregon coast" from October 07).

I knew the weather wouldn't be great, it is Oregon after all, but the day we were leaving it was snowing in Portland. Then all the days we have been here there have been bouts of hail. Piles of little icy balls covering the ground, pelting folks on the head, scratching paint on cars. When I think of Spring and the beach and vacation- I don't usually include ice chunks falling from the sky in that vision. But I cannot control the weather, I can only choose to go outside or stay in. Fortunately with our very cozy lodgings, staying in isn't too bad.

Now, a great amount of my youth, I lived walking distance from central california beaches. So my love and appreciation for the ocean is vast, however since Oregon beaches are much colder I don't go jumping in the water. My children on the other hand are a whole other story- their crazy selves not only jumped in the water the 1st and 2nd day we were here... they insisted on going again this evening while storm clouds covered the daylight with gray and the wind howled. Watching the ominous clouds grow nearer, I wondered how long the 15 minutes I had promised them would last. Wearing jeans, leg warmers hidden underneath, a thermal shirt, a sweatshirt, a coat, and a hat pulled down to cover my ears, I could feel the cold ripping through me. Meanwhile my two teens were frolicking in the surf as if the sun hadn't disappeared, as if the temperature reflected summer not winter giddily laughing and chasing each other. I watched the clouds come in closer and darken.

Reluctantly they left the waves after 15 minutes, and finally admitted that yes, they were cold. As we climbed the beach access stairs to return to the car, the rain came along with hail. Hail hurts. But we did get out of town for a hot minute, my children got to be at the beach, we've eaten well and had good moments, and for that I am truly thankful.

I would really love to write a blog

a beautiful meandering blog
a blog that took you, the reader, on epic journeys through lanscapes of literary creativity
prancing ponies, singing petunias and stardust sprinkles
ripped flags of rebellion and burnt apple pie laments on reality
that kind of blog that causes thought at magnitudes far exceeding "deep"

i'd be that inspirational blog
an entry compelling each who comes across it to blog themselves
one that instigates, moves- changes the face of misery to abundant joy
text of tomorrow, a world crafted anew by a pen stroke
that glorious masterpiece unrivaled, groundbreaking, called simply "brilliant"
the kind of blog that examines the open heart then stitches it back together

if i could only write a blog

Friday Night In

Last night I went out. I don't do that very often, but one of my all time fave groups THE COUP was in town and I had to support them since I have known Boots for over 15 years (we went to school together in the Bay, way back when). The show was packed wall to wall, it was so hot that I thought I might pass out- fools were spilling beer everywhere. I was wearing my new and most favorite boots, which were beginning to kill my feet from all the dancing. I wanted to stand still and just bob my head, but their live band is so good that just doesn't cut it. Plus I was with Walidah, and I couldn't look like I was less involved since she's a mosh pit vet and was jumping up and down and tearing up the dance floor. So of course I was jumping up and down and dancing up a storm too, keeping my elbows out to protect my space bubble even though I knew there would be consequences of having to walk after!

Needless to say, I was exhausted afterwards, and didn't get home until after 2:30am. Now sure, I am usually up until, and oftentimes beyond, that hour in the a.m. but I am reading or on my laptop in bed, which is obviously far less strenuous. I still ended up rising at a fairly decent hour this morning- and I thought "hey! I am ok!" Then more of the day passed, and next thing I know I am out on the couch taking a nap rather than heading in to the office to handle errands! I remember back in the day I used to stay up all night partying all weekend, I used to study all night and pop no-doze when it was the end of the term, get an hour or two of sleep and then head to class. Well clearly those days are over for me, and this is not some sort of sad lament to what used to be, but rather an acknowledgment that there is a reason why I mostly stay home.

THE COUP is one of the very few happenings that could inspire me to be out to the wee hours.
Today I am glad to be home on my couch watching tv with my kitten.

How you know it was REALLY cold

How I know it is REALLY cold:

1. I can see my exhalations when I am in the house.

2. The guy who paints himself silver then poses downtown, as a live statue in front of the mall, stayed still all day because he was ACTUALLY frozen.

3. My cat's tongue stuck to the coat rack, and its not even metal.

4. The water in his cat dish was partially frozen.

5. My son wore pants to school. (If you know him you get it, but basically he almost always wears shorts)

6. The weather people referred to the day with superlative titles like "Coldest Day", "Record Winter Freeze of 2008," "Worst Winds Ever Seem on A Rampage!"

7. Even after over an hour of being under the covers in layers- like socks, leg warmers, sweatshirt... with a space heater aimed in my direction, I am still really cold. COLD!!!! Like, "where are my gloves, scarf and coat!" COLD. And I hate it.

My mom and several others have told me that "hate" is a strong word. I also know i should take my words seriously and think carefully before saying them... thinking... thinking...

I HATE THE COLD! HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT!!!

Another winter comes to my town and low and behold I am still not "adjusted" to the weather. It has been over a decade! If I am not used to it now, it is not gonna happen! That is all I am saying! Why does it have to be so fricken freezing! The sky was all sunny and beautiful, calling to me from the windows saying, "Hey! Come revel in me, I am your friend!" Then I go out into it and can't shake it off now that I am finally home.

I will be proactive!
Tomorrow I will finally use the fireplace, and I will sit right in front of it, It will be glorious! I will drink steaming mugs of hot apple cider. I will hang posters up of tropical islands surrounded by warm waters. I will turn on every light and wear sunglasses and pretend the flames are from the sun itself radiating in my living room!

Is it Spring yet?

Celebrating my Son's Birthday

The glaring music that plays during the beginning of almost every DVD, you know the one declaring the evil of downloading, is my current background music. Such compelling comparisons- "You wouldn't steal somebody's puppy! You wouldn't steal used underwear! You wouldn't steal a moldy sandwich! So don't pirate movies!" So dramatic, as if the world is coming to a swifter end because of the guy slangin' bootlegs on the block. I think there are much more important things going on...

but anyway- I just wanted to quickly say what an amazing time we had celebrating my son's 15th birthday! I don't want to advertise for any game system, but we played a video game that i love!!!! And honestly I haven't played a video game for 3 hours straight in ages. I didn't believe we played 3 hours! My children, their 2 friends and I were a band. There was a microphone, guitars, drums, it was AWESOME! We did a 2 and a a half hour set! WE ROCKED! Ok sometimes we messed up, but we tried to save each other, which i guess you can do by solo-ing and really going for it. Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi was definitely the crowd pleaser, and we did have a crowd. My favorite line: "I've seen a million faces, and I've rocked them all!" And I couldn't figure out if they thought we were all nuts or brilliant. I am going to go with brilliant. I totally want one of those at home! ! ! ! Maybe I can groom my family into a band... MWAH HA HA!!!

I wish you could add your own music in tho and get it to work! Of course they had a huge screen and a wide area- but with a disco ball and some lighting...the house wouldn't never be the same again! The walls would shake and the neighbors would start knocking. What I love most is that A. my daughter's good friend mentioned we need costumes next time! AWESOME!!!!!! I love that kid! BTW our band was called the Shimmy Shimmy Shu Shus, but we may or may not keep that.

So, I guess I should get to the DVD I mentioned at the beginning of this blog. The ads have long stopped and I do want to watch at least some of it. The other day I watched Office Space for the umpteenth time, I swear that movie gets more and more funny each time. I watched it with the subtitles for the first time and reading all the details, like the low background conversation and mumbling was an added twist.
Tonight's movie feature is Ong Bak with the astounding Tony Jaa. Did you see how he went under that truck?! And ran on those dudes shoulders?! Doing the splitz thru a hoop. Amazing. I wish I had stuck with Capoeira longer or gotten to a higher point with any physical body art form. I lacked that type of self discipline I guess. For now I will live vicariously through someone else.

Be good, and remember having fun is good! Try some, then have some more!
I might have to get out the Dance Dance Revolution tomorrow, I feel inspired!
Watch out world!
Here we come!

The Term Begins

I am teaching 3 classes this term.

That sentence seems simple and erases the intensity of my world. 3 classes at the university level is quite a bit. 2 of the classes are upper division and one is lower division. I have to re-re-read everything I make them read and be way ahead of the class. I am no longer reading for recreation, only for courses. There is so little time and so much research and gathering of info required, not to mention all the planning and being energetic and interesting and prepared.

My son is turning 15 this week.
My daughter will be 13 in a 3 weeks.

My point being, I may not have time to blog regularly.

Sports Pub Adventure

Way back in the day, (August 2007), I was at summer camp. While I was there I worked with children of course, teaching them about the lovely art of writing, facilitating discussions around gender, and playing games like capture the flag. But, I also found time to grow friendships as well. See a group of us staff made time to hang out everyday. We went into the small closest town and bought blingy rings that sparkled in the sun, crazy glasses that made us look like stars, face paint, boas, pizza pockets, you name it- the strangest things become fascinating when you are away from the bustle of the metropolis and in small town america. It seems like so long ago...

But today was a glorious day where we gathered together again. And even thought the sports pub was smoky to the point of making me nauseous, I had a great time! I watched the playoff game with the Steelers and the Jaguars. Most of the pub was rooting for the Steelers, so we were a little on the outs in regards to that one. (I don't even really like watching football, but it was a fine game to sit and watch.) Then, and here is the best part, we played pool. I am just ok at pool. Every once in awhile I get a lucky shot, but mostly I just move stuff around on the green with no clear intention. This isn't even about winning or losing (although my team did win the 4 out of 7 match- however 3 of those wins were because the other team scratched), its about being with friends and realizing that how blessed I am.

This was a perfect way to play before starting back to the grind on Monday. Even though I am coming down with a cold and feeling kinda crappy physically, it was great to laugh and joke and be competitive. So to my NCC pool peeps- thanks for the fun night out, maybe by the next time we hit the town they will have enacted the no smoking indoors rule : ) cause there were some chain smoking chimney stack people up in there! To all my other peeps- hope that the new year is treating you well and that you are enjoying 2008 so far!

What I Should Be Doing vs. What I Am Doing

Classes will start at the university next week.
I am teaching 3 courses Winter term.
So- there is a lot of stuff I need to do between now and then.
For example:
- Finish up the syllabi for 2 of the 3 classes
- Read through a stack of articles and book chapters on the "to possibly include" list
- photocopy a grip of articles and chapters
- take those photocopies and then scan them so they are electronic files I can put on line so students can read them
- set up the on-line course pages where students can access the articles
- watch documentaries I think will have clips that will be great for class

Mind you each of the items listed above require a lot of steps and time and energy. I am a professional, I teach all the time, and in some ways I am much more prepared than usual at this point. I say that to explain this isn't a mission impossible or anything, just a mission that I need to get focused on today and the next few days.

BUT, all these other things come up and distract me from the previously mentioned mission. So here is the list of things I've been doing this past week instead, this list is so much longer I think I will divide it into a couple of subtopics!

CLEANING: My bedroom and office needed cleaning: This task alone included
- rearranging furniture
- doing laundry
- vacuuming (also taking apart the vaacuum so it would work better)
- reorganizing my bookshelves
- cleaning out boxes of old stuff in my closet
- making my bed and of course changing the sheets and pillow cases which i hadn't bothered to do the many other recent times i made my bed, but felt was imperative under procrastination circumstances
- my walls looked bare after moving my shelves around, so I had to put up pictures, which required looking through pictures, finding frames, etc...
- a week ago, I even went through all of my dresser drawers and cleaned them out
- the living room needed tidying up
- I went through several piles of old papers and mail which means I had to do the next two items
- shredding papers
- recycling
- I even started cleaning off my desk! (which is the most related to the work I had to do, hence the thing I started on towards the end)

TV VIEWING and RECREATION
- finishing the DVD's for the last season of "24"
- starting a new series on DVD called "4400", luckily there are only 3 seasons on DVD and they only have about 12 episodes each. I only have the last two episodes for season 3 left- but netflix hasn't sent them yet
- working on an IQ test with my kitten (Contrary to our previous beliefs, he is actually above average, we were however ready for the worst)
- doing astrological charts on-line for friends of friends
- meetings with friends that aren't "necessary" but since it is break and classes are about to start I won't have time to do it later

All this proves a theory that I have contemplated for many years-
The need to finish work related to school is the best motivator to get everything else on your to do list that is unrelated to that schoolwork done. On top of that it makes all that other work even more fun and interesting!

Signed,
Yours truly sitting in a much cleaner and organized space, trying to decide what to do next other than continuing to plan for classes